


Picking up the Pieces

by EatingPeaches



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Arnold being an idiot, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, McKinley being cute, No Romance, Non-Consensual, One-Sided Attraction, Psychological Trauma, Rape Aftermath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-10 05:10:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 27
Words: 34,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3277964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EatingPeaches/pseuds/EatingPeaches
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Arnold finds Kevin after he had stormed off to the General's Camp, he and Connor have to do their best to help their friend recover.<br/>(!!! Please read the Notes included in the first chapter !!!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ********************************************************  
> !!PLEASE READ!!  
> ********************************************************
> 
> Hey there!
> 
> Just here to let you know that I am currently working on a fully rewritten, massively improved version of this story. You should really read that new one instead of this.  
> Top scientists agree: It's at least 251,2% better than the original!!!
> 
> You can find it here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/13632072/chapters/31303761

„Wh-What are you doing?“ Elder Price slowly backs off from the General, his hands raised in front of him. The much bigger man simply stares at him menacingly and abruptly grabs the front of his pants. The man looks at Kevin’s face for a few moments and then smiles. “A pretty white boy, isn’t he? Almost looks like a girl.” His two guards laugh. Kevin doesn’t understand what’s happening. Wasn’t he going to kill him? Then he hears the familiar click of his belt. “Wha-?” He gasps in confusion, but stops as the man actually starts to unzip his pants. “N-No…” Kevin croaks. What the hell was that man doing? The General then leans in closer, until Elder Price can feel warm breath on his face. Instinctively he takes a step backwards, but the bigger man immediately grabs his jaw. “Don’t you dare try to walk away from me.” He growls in a menacing voice. “Now get your ass over to that table and bend over.” The general points towards a run-down table in the middle of the room. Kevin’s eyes widen and the first bolt of panic shoots through his body. He still doesn’t really know what is happening, doesn’t _want to know_ , but in the very back of his head there is a small voice telling him what the man was going to do, why his pants had been opened, why he needed to bend over. Was this lunatic really going to… to… Kevin refuses to finish the thought. It was ridiculous, even impossible, right? He was male after all.

Elder Price feels his face flush and the panic inside his guts rising. He turns his head to the side in shame. “Please… I’m sorry! Just let me go. I won’t ever come back…” He realizes that appealing to the mercy of a crazy warlord wasn’t really the best idea and very unlikely to actually get him out of this situation, as the other man only laughs. “Now, why would I do that? That wouldn’t be any fun, would it?” He grins at Kevin. A shiver runs down Price’s spine. In his head the young Mormon begins to pray. “Please Heavenly Father, if you care about me at all… Whatever this man is planning… DON’T let that happen to me! PLEASE! Anything but that!”

His thoughts are interrupted by the general, who is now shouting at him angrily. “I told you to get over there! Move!”

But Kevin doesn’t move a muscle. Even if he wanted to, he wouldn't be able to. His body was simply paralyzed with fear. Price then feels strong hands grabbing both of his arms. The two guards are slowly dragging him towards the middle of the room, where the table was located. “NO! PLEASE!” Instinctively he begins to struggle, trying to free himself as the table gets closer and closer. But the guards are much stronger than him. There was no chance he could get out of their grip. When he tries to get away from them once more, the man on his left quickly raises his arm and without ny hesitation punches Kevin in the face. Elder Price watches as few drops of his own blood fly through the air. “Stop being such a bitch.” The guard growls at him.

Kevin then feels his upper body being violently slammed onto the table. The impact knocks all the air from his lungs and he struggles to breathe as he is panicking more and more. His heart is beating way too fast, sweat is running down his face and the first tears are collecting in his eyes. “Heavenly father, PLEASE!” he prays. “I have worked for you my whole life! HELP ME!” Elder Price tries to get back up, out of this humiliating position, but the two guards have him in an iron grip. They both look at him with a perverted grin.

Kevin realizes that not only was he going to get raped, but he was also going to be watched getting raped. And no one here was going to help him. Price lets his head sink onto the table. Tears start to run down his face. This couldn’t be happening. Not to _him_. This was just another hell dream. A particularly bad one this time. He would wake up any second now, greeted by Arnold’s stupid face. Arnold… What he would give right now to see him, to listen to him talking about Star Wars or Lord of the Rings, instead of being here, about to have the worst experience of his entire life.

Price’s train of thought is interrupted when the General positions himself behind him. Kevin feels his pants and underwear being yanked down violently. His face goes red. No one had ever seen him like this. He was completely exposed, about to be violated in the most disgusting way imaginable. Then two large hands are touching him, grabbing his flesh. The General grunts. “What a nice ass.” Elder Price can’t help but let a small whimper escape his throat. He hates this. He hates that this man can just do this to him, humiliating him like that, without anyone to stop him. He feels utterly helpless.

Kevin couldn’t believe that _this_ was actually going to be his first sexual encounter. He would be tainted afterwards. Sodomy was a sin. God was probably going to hate him for letting this happen. After all, this was his own fault, running into a heavily guarded camp like an idiot, wanting to prove what a great Mormon he was. This was probably the punishment Heavenly Father had chosen for him.

Then Kevin hears the man behind him undo his zipper. His blood runs cold immediately. “NO!” He screams again. “Please, PLEASE! I’ll do anything! DON’T!” He doesn’t even know why he is still begging. It’s not like that disgusting man was going to change his mind because of it. In fact, his screams only seem to agitate the warlord even more. Kevin is in complete panic, unable to move a muscle. His heart feels like it’s going to jump out of his chest any minute now, his limbs have already gone numb and his shirt has to be see-through by now from all the sweat. The guard, who had hit him earlier, laughs. “Isn’t he adorable?” Kevin just wants him to die.

Elder Price then feels something press against him, something warm and fleshy. A shudder shakes his whole body and his mind is on fire. “Please… oh my God, please!” The General grabs his hips hard enough to leave bruises. Kevin whimpers. His entire face is already wet from crying. He tries to mentally brace himself for what is going to come, but nothing could have prepared him for what he is forced to endure next. The pain is terrible and weird. He had never felt something like this before. His skin and muscle stretch, feeling like they’re on the brink of ripping apart. Kevin lets out a few tortured sounds and sobs. It’s hot. It burns. It’s wrong, just so, so utterly _wrong_. He can feel something tearing inside of him.

“PLEASE!” He whines. “Stop!”

The General laughs and then yells at his guards. “Damn, this white boy is fuckin’ tight!" Then the man starts to move his hips, slowly at first, but getting faster as he goes on. Soon he has set a relentless pace. Kevin only whimpers and whines in response. He couldn’t think straight anymore. His mind had left his body. There was nothing left but shame and pain. He can barely see through the veil of tears in his eyes, but it looked like one of the guards had begun to stroke himself through his pants. How could someone be getting off on this? This was sick and wrong. He just wants it to stop. Or to die. Either would be fine. But he just couldn’t live through this any longer.

Elder Price then feels a warm liquid running down his upper thigh. Could it be? No the General wasn’t “finished” yet. It had to be… _blood_. Oh god. He was actually bleeding… _there_ …

The pain was only getting worse with every thrust. Kevin is now struggling to hold back his screams. He wouldn’t give those bastards that satisfaction. He tries to focus his attention on a big moth sitting on the wall, he is forced to stare at. The large insect is slowly crawling across the surface, seemingly unaware of the things happening right next to it. If he could, he’d switch places with that thing and then simply fly away.

Suddenly there’s a hand violently grabbing his hair and next an explosion of pain on his forehead. The general had smashed his head unto the table. For a few moments his vision is gone. When it returns his Kevin feels incredibly dizzy and the General is yelling something at him. “--- such a great little whore. I swear to God, he made you for this!” He then starts to move even faster, every thrust bringing more and more pain.

Kevin lets out a broken and tortured sound in a desperate attempt to not scream. “Pleeease…!” He whines. But his attacker has no mercy. He and his goddamned guards only laugh at him.

“Damn. Isn’t he adorable?” The guard on his right says, still grinning.

Kevin lets his head fall onto the table and stays that way for the rest of the time. The guards aren’t even holding him down anymore. He’s just standing there, bent over and taking it. Pathetic.

After a while the General grabs his hair again, speeds up once more and then lets out a loud and satisfied grunt, rocking his hips forward one last time. Kevin can feel something warm inside of him. His stomach turns and he can’t help but gag. The shame is burning even worse than the stinging pain he feels in his backside. The General lets go of him and then positions himself next to the young man. Kevin can’t bear to look at him and turns away his head. His face was probably covered in his own tears, snot and spit.

Elder Price’s head is slammed onto the table once more. “I hope this served as a lesson for you.” The bigger man growls. “But don’t think for a second that we’re done here.

Kevin’s eyes widen in horror. What had that lunatic planned for him now? Were the other two going to have their way with him too? Or… was he going to be kept as a… slave? No. He couldn’t take anymore. He would rather die.

The General speaks up again. “I’m thinking, if you love God _sooo_ much, you should give him a shot too. It’s only fair.”

Kevin doesn’t understand. What was that man going to do to him now? He feels something new being pressed against him… something weird… rolled up paper maybe? What did that have to do with Go--- And then it dawns on him. It was his copy of The Book of Mormon. That madman couldn’t be serious. There was no way this would _ever_ fit.

“NO!” He yells, raising his body from the table with newly found energy. It had to be the new wave of fear that was gripping him. Immediately he is slammed back down by the guards.

“No, no, please!” Elder Price doesn’t even know why he is still screaming. It wasn’t going to accomplish anything.

And then the General begins to push. And it is even worse than before. There was more blood, more pain and much more shame. The sharp edges of the book are further damaging the tears inside of him and slowly giving him new ones. Kevin screams in agony. He doesn’t care whether it gives those bastards even more satisfaction. He just has to let the pain out. The General shoves the book in agonizingly slow, somehow hitting every particularly bad spot inside of him.

In his mind, Elder Price screams. “Please God, just let me die RIGHT NOW!”

The two guards watch his face and its contortions with ugly smiles. Kevin can feel his consciousness slowly fading. He wants to give in to the darkness, be freed from the pain, but he needed to stay awake. He couldn’t just let them do what they wanted without him knowing. He screams once more- Well, scream wasn’t really the right word. His throat was too sore to produce much more than weak croaking. Kevin squeezes his eyes shut. He isn’t crying anymore. There are no tears left.

And then, it is done. The General slowly moves back to admire his work. There was now a book inside of him. Elder Price feels incredibly sick. He slowly raises his shaking body. His head is spinning. There are black dots obscuring his vision. Bile rises up. He retches. The contents of his stomach hit the ground.

The man who had just tortured him laughs. “You know, I didn’t _actually_ think that would _really_ fit. Your ass is truly something special. He pats Kevin on the back, as if to congratulate him and then turns to his guards. “Now get him out of here.” He says in a voice that almost sounds bored. And with that, the General finally leaves.

Kevin can feel something running down his legs. His back and lower half are on fire. The book is sitting inside of him at a weird angle, causing even more pain and making almost every movement impossible. He collapses to the ground. His body is being lifted by someone before he is engulfed by darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

When he wakes up he doesn’t know where he is. His vision is blurry and his head is pounding mercilessly. He is lying on his back. What had happened? Why was he in so much pain? He is completely disoriented and confused. But at last his vision finally starts to fade in. He is in the middle of an empty road, somewhere in a completely godforsaken desert. A desert? He remembered now. He was in Uganda. He got stuck here. He sits up and can’t help but yelp and the surprising amount of pain this causes him. Where the hell did that come from?

Then he notices something. Immediately panic starts to race through his body and all the color drains from his face. His pants are down. There is blood between his legs and on his thighs. There are bruises all over his arms and legs. Some of them are hand-shaped. And with that the memories come back. He wished they had stayed where they came from. He sees himself being violated and mistreated in the most disgusting way he can imagine. His breathing quickens. He can hear that he’s hyperventilating, but he can’t do anything to stop it. He gets a weird and fuzzy feeling. It’s like he isn’t inside his body anymore. His muscles go numb, unable to move. His eyes are glazed. He’s staring off into the distance, unable to see anything but the general.

He sits like this, in that weird state of mind, for at least half an hour. Then he slumps onto his back. It’s not that he wanted to, only that his body was too exhausted to keep up his sitting position. This wakens him from his vegetative state. He realizes that he has to move. He couldn’t stay here. It was hot and he was already feeling terribly dehydrated. He needed to get back to the village.

Kevin starts to pull up his underwear and pants. He can’t help but notice that they are stained with blood. Great. How was he going to explain that to anyone? No time to think about it now though. He just needed to get back. The Elder finishes putting on his pants and then very carefully tries to get on his feet. A jolt of pain shoots through his body. He screams weakly. Walking was out of the question. The book was just causing too much—Oh God. Right. There was the book inside of him. He would never be able to get it out on his own. He would have to see a doctor for this… or ask one of the Elders. He shudders from the thought of letting anyone near his body again. Well, that person sure as shit wasn’t going to be Elder McKinley.

He suddenly becomes aware that he had been crying again. But for how long? Not important right now. The village. He needed to move now! No one was going to find him here. He gingerly and very slowly rolls onto his stomach. The pain is terrible, compared to trying to stand up it's endurable. He gets on all fours and just when he starts crawling, he realizes that he has no idea where the hell he is. The guards had simply taken him away from the camp and dumped somewhere. They had left him to die. Or maybe the general was going to come back for him? Maybe go for another round? His heart beats faster now. He wasn’t going to find the village. He was going to die out here, leaving behind a clearly beaten and raped corpse - with a book up his ass. Pathetic, for god to look upon and laugh. All of the sudden Kevin feels dizzy. The panic, hyperventilating and dehydration finally started to take their toll. He slumps to the ground. He wants to get his head up, but is unable to. Then he is greeted by the same darkness he had encountered just a short time before. “I’m going to die.” he thinks. “Maybe that isn’t even a bad thing.” And with that he is gone again.


	3. Chapter 3

Where in the world was Kevin? It had been seven hours since he had left to try to talk to a crazy warlord and the other elders had been searching for him the whole afternoon. Elder Cunningham was driving some sort of off-road vehicle, Mafala had kindly given to him, to find Elder Price. So far he had only stalled the engine three times, which was quite the accomplishment. At the moment he was driving the car in the direction of the camp. The others had clearly advised against this, but he was horribly worried about Elder Price and was running out of options and time. And even though they hadn’t exactly parted on great terms and he was technically still angry with the other Mormon, Arnold didn’t wish harm on him. He still liked him after all. And he was just terribly worried that his “companion” was being tortured, or even worse, dead.

And then he finally sees something in the distance. A black and white figure is lying on the road, just a few hundred meters ahead. Arnold steps on the gas pedal and races towards the shape. He couldn’t believe it. Had he finally found him?

His enthusiasm is somewhat damped by the fact that, when he stops next to the person lying on the ground, they don’t even move. “Uhmm.. excuse me?” He walks towards the body. It is lying on its front and is clearly wearing the same clothes as himself. There is no doubt now. It was definitely Elder Price. But he is still not moving. Arnold panics. Oh god. Kevin was dead. He probably didn’t find him soon enough and then he died in the desert all alone. But as Cunningham reaches for the shoulder he can see that Price is still breathing. THANK GOD! Relief washes over him. However, that feeling is short lived as Arnold starts to notice things about the state Kevin is in.

His hair is completely dishelved, his skin as pale as ash. His shirt isn’t tucked in and there are bloody handprints all over it. Kevin’s lips are red and bleeding. He had bitten them open. There are dark, finger shaped bruises on his wrists and a big purple-reddish bump on his forehead. His face is full of tear streaks. But his lower half is the weird part. There is a gigantic patch of dried blood on the back of his pants. What the hell was that? Arnold gingerly turns the Elder on his back to inspect further damage. Luckily his front looked a lot better than his back. There seemed to be no further injuries and there was no blood on his shirt. But for some reason Price’s belt was missing and his pants were undone. Arnold didn’t understand what that meant. What in the world had they done to him? But there would be time to worry about that later. He had to do something about Kevin’s unconsciousness.

He carefully lifts up the other man’s body to put it on his knees and puts an arm around his shoulders to support his head. Great. What now? If only he had listened to what the instructor of his first and only first-aid course had been saying. “Come on Kevin, wake up!” Cunningham desperately looks at the body in his arms. How long had he been out by now? Maybe he needed water? No. You’re not supposed to make an unconscious person eat or drink… But what if he was out because of dehydration? He sits there trying to decide what to do, when Price slowly opens his eyes. “Wh—Where am I?” However, when he sees the other man, his reaction is not one Arnold anticipated. “NO! Don’t touch me!” He screams, violently pushing himself out of the embrace and crashing onto his back. Arnold is completely taken aback. Did he hate him that much?

Then he spots tears in Kevin’s eyes. He’s obviously in complete panic. Had he even recognized him yet? “Hey, hey. It’s all right. It’s just me.” He tries to reach out, but Kevin immediately curls up into a ball and covers his head with his hands. “No, no, no…. don’t… please… don’t… don’t hurt me.” Arnold is shocked. Why would he think that he was going to hurt him? “I—I don’t want to hurt you Elder Price. It’s me, Arnold! I am here to help you.” Price doesn’t react. But he seems to calm down a little. “I… I’ll just get you some water, okay. Don’t worry. Just stay where you are.” Arnold slowly gets up and starts to walk towards his car. Why was Kevin in such a panic? What had happened to him? His injuries didn’t seem too bad. Sure there were some bruises, but it didn’t really look like he had been tortured. He should be happy that none of his body parts were missing! Still… there was that weird blood stain on his pants… Arnold would have to ask him about it later.

When he gets back, Price has let go of his head and is now lying on his side. Tears are running down his face, but he doesn’t seem to notice or care. His arms are wound tightly around his body. Arnold gingerly gets on his knees beside him. He puts a hand on Price’s shoulder. This time the Elder only twitches a little.

“I got you some water, if you want it…” Kevin doesn’t even look at him. “You really should drink something, you know? You’ve been out here for quite some time.” Price just keeps on staring off into the distance and Arnold isn’t sure that he had even heard what he had said. But then he very slowly raises his body. And even though he is still avoiding looking at Elder Cunningham, he can very clearly see that his face is twisted in pain. What on earth was wrong with him? Was there some sort of stab wound or something he hadn’t seen before? Kevin takes the bottle from him, clearly doing his best to avoid any kind of eye contact and then gulps down more than half of the water at once. Arnold was sure that he had heard somewhere that drinking liquids that fast after dehydration was bad for one’s body, but he was just too glad to see Elder Price actually doing something to stop him. He hands the water back to Arnold, still not looking at him. “Thank you.” His voice is hoarse and weak. But at least he’s sitting now and has stopped crying. That was probably a good thing.

“How are you feeling?”

Kevin looks at the ground. He takes quite some time to answer, as if he really has to think about his words. “What do you think?”

He was right. Stupid question. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“No.”

There was just something so weird about this situation. Arnold could feel that something utterly horrible had happened to his companion and yet he wouldn’t tell him. But why? What could be so bad that he was unwilling ,or unable to put it into words? He figures it would probably be best to just get him back to the village now.

He puts one hand on Kevin’s shoulder. The other man cringes. What in the world did that mean? “I’m going to get you back to the village now, okay? We’re going to go to the others and you can get into bed and rest and I’ll get the doctor for you.” Elder Price carefully nods. Arnold sighs in relief. At least it was possible to talk to him now. Arnold gets up and walks towards the car. “Elder Cunningham…” Surprised he turns around. “Come on. The car is just over there.” “I... I—“ Price turns his head in shame. “I can’t… get up. And least of all walk. It… it just hurts too much.” Arnold’s eyes widen. If he wasn’t even able to stand up, his friend had to be injured way worse than he had first thought. “What hurts? Please, just tell me, so that I can help you.” Kevin opens his mouth as if to say something, but then closes it again and lets his head sink towards the ground. Tears are already starting to form in his eyes again. “Okay, okay! Or don’t tell me. It’s not that important. I’ll… I’ll just help you get in the car.”

Arnold grabs him under his arms and carefully lifts him up a bit. Kevin hisses. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! But I just can’t do it any slower.” He drags his friend over to the car and for the first time in his life notices how damn heavy human-beings are. But there’s no time to complain now. He lifts him a little higher and together with Kevin’s help they manage to get his body into a seat. However, Elder Price keeps on shifting positions, apparently unable to find one that doesn’t hurt him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is short.

Arnold hurries inside the mission center. He doesn’t want to leave Kevin alone for long, but he just won’t be able to carry him inside on his own. He is greeted by a group of worried Elders. “Have you found him?”

“Yes... yes… it’s just that…” Arnolds eyes dart around the room nervously. “He’s in a bit of a bad shape. I think you should maybe leave him alone for a while… maybe leave this room for when he comes through… he needs some rest. And no, he’s not missing any limbs or something like that… he just seems a little… uhmm… how do I put it… confused.” The others make worried faces, but respect Arnold’s request and leave.

“Oh, Elder McKinley! Wait! I need your help.” He figured that Connor was the closest thing to a friend Kevin had in Uganda.

“What is it? Is he hurt badly?” McKinley somehow manages to look just as worried as the other Elders combined.

“Well… you’ll have to help me carry him. He can’t walk.”

The other is shocked. “What? Why? Did they break his legs? Oh god, no!”

“No… I don’t know what’s wrong. He won’t tell me… I think he might have some sort of stab wound..?”

“A STAB WOUND??!! And you didn’t take him to a hospital??!”

Arnold looks to the floor. “Well, I don’t really think it’s a stab wound… at least there’s nothing visible… Look, I just don’t know what it is…. Just help me get him inside, okay?”

Elder McKinley sighs.

“Fine. The faster I can see him, the better.”


	5. Chapter 5

As soon as they get outside, Connor dashes towards the car. He was just so worried. The things Arnold had said had just sounded too weird and unspecific. “Elder Price!” He swings his arms around the other man and pulls him into a tight hug. “Oh, I am so glad you’re still in one piece. I was sooo worried about you!” He is way too overjoyed to notice Kevin uncomfortably shifting in his arms and trying to push away. Or the fact that his breathing had quickened as soon as he had seen him. Finally he lets go of the other man. And then he sees how bad his friend looks. His hair, his face, his shirt and worst of all his expression. “Oh my god, you poor, poor baby!” Connor goes in for another hug, but this time is pushed away more forcefully. “Don’t touch me!” Kevin hisses through his teeth. Connor looks at him puzzled. Had he done something wrong? “Uhh.. I—I’m sorry… I just wanted to, you know, help you or something…” “Just get me inside.” Kevin is looking down, clearly avoiding having to look at McKinley at all. Arnold speaks up again. “It’s probably best if we just go inside now, okay? I’ll take his legs and you the rest.”

When Connor reaches around Price to lift him up, he can clearly feel him cringing and then starting to shake lightly. What in the freaking world was wrong with Kevin? At first he had been relieved when he had seen him, because it seemed like there was barely any bodily harm done, but now he is almost more worried than before. And then, while they’re carrying the mess, that is Elder Price, he sees it. Kevin’s shirt had gone up from the friction of his and Connor’s body and his pants were hanging low, leaving the skin beneath completely bare. McKinley almost drops him. There are huge purple, hand-shaped bruises on the other’s hips. And right now, with the weird behavior, Kevin was exhibiting, there was only one way that he could think of, for how they had gotten there. Could it really be that they…? No. That was impossible. That was simply completely impossible. Something like that just COULDN’T have happened so close to him. To his friend. He tries to simply brush off the thought. But he can’t. It just seemed to fit to well. Kevin pushing him away. The unbuttoned pants. The disability to walk. The complete lack of serious wounds, yet the other still seeming extremely traumatized. Connor’s heart starts beating faster. Rage rises up inside him. If they actually did THAT to his friend… If they had forced him to… He couldn’t finish the thought. His theory was simply too terrible and he prayed to Heavenly Father that it wasn’t true.

He is ripped from his thoughts when they finally reach Price’s bed. They carefully lay him down but he still twists his face in pain.

“So…” Arnold stammers. “We should probably get you into a shower and change your clothes.” Price looks visibly scared at the prospect of being undressed by them.

“You know what Elder, you should probably ring the doctor before we do this. It could take him a long time to get here. The sooner you call, the better. I’ll stay here and look over Elder Price, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s probably a good idea.” McKinley sighs as Arnold leaves. He had only wanted to get him out of the room to talk to Kevin alone.

“Elder Price…” He sits down on the bed and touches the other man’s shoulder. Price cringes and finally looks at him. His eyes are full of terror. He must be thinking that the reason for Connor to get Arnold out of the room was to do something terrible. Was it because he used to be gay?

“Hey it’s all right. I’m not going to do anything to you. I just want to talk.”

Price makes an obvious effort to avoid looking at Connor. “I know. But there’s nothing I can do about that… my body just reacts that way…”

“Look… I know that this is terribly difficult, but…” he tries to speak as gentle and soft as possible. “You need to tell me what happened, so I can take better care of you. I won’t tell the others. I promise.”

Price keeps on staring at the ceiling. Tears start to form in his eyes. Then, after a long pause he whispers: “I got taught a lesson.”

What in the world was he supposed to say to that? “What do you mean by that?”

“I… I… know it was my fault. I shouldn’t have ran in there like a damn idiot. Then he wouldn’t have… have…”

“Have what? Please, Kevin, please tell me. I’m your friend. You can trust me.” Connor tries to seem as reassuring as possible.

Kevin turns his face away. He stares at the wall. “They gripped me… then they pushed me onto a table and then… then…” His voice cracks. “The general… he ripped down my pants… and he-he…” Price is crying now. His violent sobs are shaking his whole body. Connor desperately wants to embrace him, but he knows that he would just be making things worse. “Kevin, did that man…" He pauses. He can not believe he's about to use that word. It was simply too horrible. "...rape you?” He can't bare to look at his friend while asking. McKinley prays that the answer was going to be no. That his friend would laugh about him for asking something that ridiculous. Instead he hears Kevin sobbing. His arms and hands cover his face in shame.“Yes…” he whispers, barely audible.

Connor couldn’t believe it. He had thought this was the case but really hearing his friend say it… This was just crazy… But it made him angry as hell. He wanted to take that damn general and very slowly gauge out his eyes with hot iron.

But what he really needed to do, was help Kevin. He wished he could just take all his pain away. But he couldn’t. He didn’t even know how to make it the slightest bit better. He obviously couldn’t really give any sort of bodily comfort, but he also didn’t know what the hell to say. And what in the world was he going to tell Arnold? He had to tell him something. Because with this having happened, they obviously couldn’t just undress Kevin and throw him into the shower.

“Shhh… It’s all right. You’re safe now.” He caresses Kevin’s arm. “He can’t hurt you anymore.” A weak attempt at comfort.

Price’s weeping just keeps on getting worse and worse. “That’s not true. There… There’s still something…” Kevin pauses and tries to swallow his sobs and shame. “…i-inside…”

Connor’s eyes widen in complete horror. That sick bastard. That was the reason his friend couldn’t walk or stand at all. Raping him had not been enough for that fucking madman!

“What, Elder Price? What is it?” He asks, his voice filled with shock and anger.

But the other Mormon just turns onto his side and keeps on sobbing, his body shaking violently.

“That damn FUCKING bastard!” Connor thinks.


	6. Chapter 6

Arnold gets up from the sofa in the communal room and awkwardly shuffles around. He’s been doing this since the doctor had entered Price’s room two hours ago. Sitting down, getting up, walking around, sitting down, getting up… He simply couldn’t keep still. It hadn’t helped at all that Elder McKinley refused to tell him what was wrong with Kevin. Apparently he had told him when he had been calling the doctor, but Connor had promised not to tell. And his friend had been a sobbing mess ever since. Arnold had been trying to get the truth out of the other Mormon since they had left Kevin’s and his room. But Connor wasn’t budging. Judging by the amount of time passing and the agonized screams, they could sometimes hear through the door, it wasn’t something that was easy to fix. Not knowing what in the world was wrong with Price just made Cunningham all the more restless.

Connor was simply sitting in a chair, staring at his feet, sometimes flinching when Kevin made a particularly horrible sound. The others had left the missionary center on McKinley’s request.

“You do realize that when the doctor comes out of there, he will talk to us and I will know what happened anyway, right?” Arnold had decided that it was time for one last try. “It’s probably better if I get it from you.”

“I promised Elder Price that I wouldn’t—“

“Yeah, you have told me that. But do you really think it’s best if I don’t know what’s going on? How am I supposed to take care of him? You surely don’t want to do that alone.”  
That finally seemed to have struck a nerve with Connor. He thinks about it for a moment, then sighs. Another scream from Kevin.

“Fine. I’ll tell you. But don’t you EVER mention to him that I did!” He glares at him.

“Yes, yes! I won’t! Just please tell me!” Arnold REALLY needed to know. He was so worried about his friend. Oh, how he was going to regret having asked in a few moments.

“Apparently… the general, well, he…” Connor clears his throat. “Uhmm… do you know how two men… well… have sex with each other?”

Arnold blushes slightly at the question. “No… But what does that have to do with anything?”

“Look, the general… he… that piece of shit raped him, okay?!”

Arnolds eyes widen in disbelief. Impossible. “Ra-- raped him? That’s not possible! He isn’t even a woman! He doesn’t have a va… well, you-know-what! How is that supposed to work, huh?” Did McKinley think that this was funny? To use his worries to make fun of him? Just because he knew what was wrong?

“Listen to me! Okay? How do I explain…” Arnold was waiting for a new clarification. “Okay… okay… Look, if two men sleep with each other, one of them puts his penis in the other’s… uhm… back door, you know? …their… ugh... behind. And when it’s unwanted it can get pretty… well…”

That was just too much for Arnold. “WHAT?! That’s freaking disgust--… wait! Are you seriously trying to tell me that THAT is what he did to him?! THAT is what he forced my best friend to do?!”

“Yes… look I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier but…”

Arnold is not able to listen to him anymore. He feels incredibly sick. He manages to run over to the sink just in time for his stomach contents to not hit the floor. He can see the cereal he had had for breakfast. When he had been eating that, everything had still been all right. He hadn’t known how gay sex works and Kevin had not been made to know how gay sex feels. His head is spinning. Connor’s hand is on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, but there’s actually even more I have to tell you.”

Arnold looks at him horrified.

“After he was done, the general apparently… shoved something inside of him… That’s why Elder Price can’t walk or stand.”

Elder Cunningham has another go at the sink. “This is all my fault” He thinks. “I should never have let him leave… or ignored him… If I hadn’t been so annoying he would have never wanted a transfer and none of this would have happened!” Arnold knows that he had always been a screw-up, but this… this was definitely the worst one yet. His masterpiece. Kevin probably blamed him as well.


	7. Chapter 7

Kevin is lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling. In his head, a thousand little bugs are dancing, swirling around, clouding his thoughts and senses. There are wet spots on the sides of his eyes. He was crying again. At least the doctor had left. He hadn’t said much, but Kevin just knew that he had found him pathetic and was probably laughing about him in this very moment. The door to his room slowly opens. Arnold and Connor enter. They sit down next to his bed. Connor takes his hand. His body immediately stiffens, his heart racing as though it was to jump out of his chest. What would they do to him now? He was unable to defend himself. They could basically do whatever they wanted. Connor always seemed to have been very interested in… No, no… that was completely wrong. They weren’t here to hurt him at all. They wanted to help. Why was he thinking like this?

“How are you feeling?” McKinley asked him with worried eyes. “What about the pain?”

Price blushes. He really didn’t enjoy filling the two in on the status of his ass. He notices that since the doctor left, he hadn’t really given any thought to it. He had been given some form of pain killer, but the burning sensation in his rectum and colon was definitely still there. The sharp edges of the book, pressing against his insides, were gone however.

“Ok.” He mumbles weakly. It wasn’t true, but at least it was more true now than before.

Having the book removed hadn’t come without its cost though. The pain had almost been as bad as having it shoved in, only that the procedure had lasted way longer. Luckily, he had passed out for quite a chunk of it.

But the pain hadn’t even been the worst thing about the doctor’s visit. Oh, no. The worst thing had been he himself. His emotions. His body’s reactions. When the doctor had started touching him, he had been shaking so hard, he had to actively concentrate on lying still and not jumping out of the bed in a panic.  
Connor looks at him with sympathetic eyes. “I’m sorry, but we have to bother you one last time before you can rest. I know you’re probably very exhausted, but we really have to change your clothes and get you cleaned up.” Arnold just sits there, staring at his hands, his face ridden with guilt.

He can feel a jolt go through his body. He couldn’t… be naked in front of someone again. He looks at them with pleading eyes. “Please don’t.” Kevin whispers , even though he knew it was necessary. Heck, he wasn’t even wearing pants at the moment. The doctor had taken them off and since they were stained with blood, seemed to have seen no reason to put them back on again. The blanket was all the protection he had at the moment.

“You’re shirt and pants are stained with blood and you are covered in dirt from head to toes. Look, we won’t do this without your permission, I just want to make that clear, but you should really let us.”

Tears start welling up in Price’s eyes again. McKinley was right. There was blood on his body and clothes and he was absolutely soaked in sweat. Lying out in the open for what may have been hours had covered him in dust and sand. And finally… there was that smell. Not the scent of his sweat or even blood, but the stench of that damn man. He wasn’t really sure the others could sense it, but he could. He reeked of him. It was overflowing all of his senses. And he needed to get it off.

“Fine.” He manages to say in a cracking voice.


	8. Chapter 8

Connor sighs in relieve. He really had thought this was going to be harder. But it seemed as though Kevin had retained some logical judgment. “Okay. First we’re going to take off your clothes. Don’t worry. We won’t do anything you don’t want. You can tell us to stop at any time. Are you all right with that?” He had spoken as gentle as possible. He didn’t want to upset his poor friend anymore. He had gone through hell and back today already. But it was impossible to miss how scared Kevin was.

“First I’m going to help you sit upright so you can take your shirt off, okay?” When He touches Kevin,he cringes visibly and lets out a whimper. “I-I am s-sorry. I can’t h-help it.” Price stammers.

“It’s all right. You don’t have to apologize for anything at all” McKinley leans in close and wraps his arms around Price’s back. He had always wanted to do that. But this wasn’t quite the context he had imagined. He slowly and carefully pulls up the other man. Kevin yelps. He was obviously still in a lot of pain. But at least he seems to relax a little when Connor let’s go of him. But not enough. When Kevin starts fumbling with his tie, his hands are way too shaky. He tries the buttons of his shirt. No luck. He looks down in shame.  
Connor just wants to hug his friend and squeeze all the bad feelings out of his body. “Should I help you?” He asks, offering, what he hopes to be a warm smile, but one that probably only made him look like a creeper. Kevin just silently nods, seemingly unable to lift his head and look at him. That couldn’t be good.

He leans forward and extends his fingers to touch Kevin’s tie. He carefully loosens it and pulls it over the others head. Now the shirt. Oh god the shirt. How was Kevin going to feel about this? His body was already stiffening. Great. Just great. Was it going to be worse with him doing it? He was sure Price had picked up some very obvious hints from him when he had first arrived. Just when he thinks about asking Arnold for help, he hears a sob coming from behind him. “I- I am sorry… I, I can’t… It’s just… It’s all my fault.” The door banging. Cunningham had fled the room. Just what he needed. Another emotional breakdown.

He is completely taken aback when Price starts talking without having been spoken to first. “What was that about?” Kevin finally lifts his head to look at him. Connor hadn’t been this close to his face ever since he returned. Not to mention looking into his eyes. But now he sees it. The others eyes have completely changed. Since the day they met, Price’s eyes had always been filled with hope and enthusiasm. They had always been shining. Now, here is defeat in them. They’re expression is so sad and broken. It was as though something inside him had been crushed forever. Needn't he act strong in front of Price, he would have started to cry. Kevin must have noticed his reaction, as he immediately averts his gaze, back to his hands. Shit. He had fucked up the first eye contact.

“He blames himself for what happened to you.”

“Oh.” Price pauses. Thinks. “Well, he shouldn’t. It was all my fault.” Tears running down his face again.

McKinley is in shock. “Don’t you ever think that.” He grabs Kevin’s arms. “The only one, who is to blame is that crazy warlord! You just did, what you thought was best!”

“No… I didn’t.” Price sobs. “I- I just wanted to prove how great I was, that I could do something i-incredible. Pride is one of the seven deadly sins… And heavenly father punished me for it. I deserved it.”

“WHAT?!” McKinley couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Kevin couldn’t really think that! “Nobody deserves that! Okay… maybe Hitler, but not you! You are great! A-and incredible! There’s nothing wrong with having pride in who you are. If Heavenly Father had wanted to punish you, he’d simply have sent you a spooky hell dream! He would never do that to you! God loves you.” Now tears are forming in his eyes too.

“No, he doesn’t… he hates me… because I am a narcissistic, egocentric, disgusting sinner!”

McKinley can’t help himself anymore. He has to fully embrace Price. He puts his hand on the back of his head and gently caresses the soft, beautiful hair. “You are not. You are amazing. It’s good to be ambitious and passionate. That is the only way to success.And wanting success is not bad! Human beings are wired to! And if God truly believed it was bad and still gave us the need for it, he wouldn’t be worth believing in, right?”

Price’s sobbing simply continues. Dammit. If only Arnold hadn’t flipped out the way he did. He lifts his head again. “Why do you think you’re in a place to judge what God wants and thinks?”

“Why do you think you are?”

“I… I just know, ok? Now could you please get me into the shower? Or is this some sort of interrogation?” Connor is a little taken aback at the slight hint of anger in Kevin’s voice. It didn’t seem to be directed towards him though.

“Ok, ok. Sure, I can do that.” He extends his hand again. Now he was back where he’d started before Arnold had had his little melt-down. His throat feels like there is a gigantic bowling-ball in it. Suddenly unbuttoning a shirt, the same shirt he unbuttoned on himself daily, seemed like the most difficult task he had ever faced. “A-Are you sure this is ok with you?” Price doesn’t react. Not making this easier.

He swallows and then, slowly, carefully touches the first button. With both his hands he guides it through the hole and… the first one is done. His hands are a little shaky, but not anywhere near the way Price’s had been. He continues. The second button. Kevin’s body stiffens. The third. The fourth. All the way down. He slides it over the shoulders. Done. He is ashamed for thinking it, but the other Mormon just looks incredibly beautiful. If only the situation was different… He could kiss him, here and now and then…

What the hell was he thinking?! Firstly, he wasn’t gay anymore and secondly, most importantly, there was probably NO worse scenario for him to be thinking these thoughts!  
Kevin must have noticed something, as he protectively puts arms around his body. McKinley blushes. Awesome. Now the other would know for a fact that he had been thinking rotten thoughts.

“Uhm… okay… moving on.” He just hoped they could pretend this whole thing never happened. “Your uhm…” Oh no. This was going to get worse. “…pants.”

“Not wearing any.” McKinley sighes in relieve. Not having to take the pants off of someone who had just been sexually assaulted had to be the only good thing that had happened this day.

“Oh okay… then… I’ll just get you a towel to cover up while I walk you over to the bathroom.”

Kevin silently nods.

When Connor returns from the bathroom, towel in his hand, he sees the other’s back for the first time. There are big and small purple-reddish bruises on him. Some look like hands or fingers. Now he can see exactly where those sick bastards had held his friend down. As he gets closer he can even see a bitemark on his neck. Kevin is shivering and hugging his body. Shit.

“Hey, hey. It’s all right. I’m not gonna look, okay?” He doesn’t dare touch Price’s shoulder. The other Elder looks up.

“I know… It’s just… I- I am panicking for no reason…”

“It’s okay. You can trust me.” He puts the towel over his friend’s lap and removes the sheets.

“I’m gonna help you get up now, okay?” A nod. He puts Kevin’s arm over his shoulder and together they lift him up. The other Mormon hisses and twists his face in pain. Connor just wanted to fucking kill that fucking general. Slowly they walk towards the shower. Kevin leans heavily against him. And despite being in Africa, Price's body is really cold, yet also covered in sweat. It’s a weird moment of forced intimacy. Though Kevin seemed to focus more on the pain that walking caused him, than on the awkwardness of it all.  
When they finally reach the shower, Price roughly pushes his body away from him and then slumps to the shower floor. Connor was shocked at this level of a lack of strength in the other’s body.

“C-could you turn it on?”

“S-Sure.” Connor stammers, as he stumbles forward, to turn on the water.

“Thank you.” The water hits the other Mormon and all the dirt and grime start to wash off. Elder Price seemed to have no intention of surrendering the towel. However, McKinley did not need to see every part of his body to know how bad the damage was. The thick redness beneath Kevin told a pretty gruesome story. There was a LOT of blood. “Could you leave me alone for a while?”

“Oh, yeah, yeah sure.” Connor was a little startled. What had he even been planning? To stay in here and watch him shower? God, he was so bad at this. “Just call if you need anything. I’ll be in the bedroom.”


	9. Chapter 9

The warm water is caressing his skin. Tiny drops are running down his legs. He can hear his own heavy breathing. The water below him is shining red. He shouldn’t have pushed Connor out like that. He was helping him. God, he was just being such an ungrateful idiot. All the dirt and blood and smell were being washed away, but somehow Kevin didn’t feel any better at all. He still feels hands all over him. The water drops turn into eager fingers rushing over his skin. He hugs himself tightly. He suddenly becomes aware of how pathetic he was behaving. He feels his face turn red in shame when he thinks about Arnold and Connor. He had made a complete fool out of himself. The way he had been… His body seizing up once he was touched… The inability to even do the simplest tasks, like unbuttoning his shirt… Kevin was sure, they saw him as pathetic. Their pity would soon turn into annoyance, then hate. And then he would be all alone and in a foreign country. He can hear himself sobbing again. He doesn’t care anymore. He looks at the blood that’s coming out of him. It was horrifying. Time just seemed to stand still. He was never going to get out of the shower again. He was sure of it. He would just be in here until he stopped existing.

From way afar Price hears a knock. A door opening. Suddenly Connor’s face is directly in front of him, his hands touching his face. Why did he look so worried? For some reason the water is not running anymore. His vision is blurry, his ears as if filled with cotton. He can see Connor’s lips moving, but doesn’t understand the words. He becomes aware that he’s shivering. And ice cold. He wants to say something, ask why he is so cold, but he can’t.

Connor leaves and he wants to call him. Tell him that he can’t be left alone. But he quickly reenters his field vision, this time holding a big blanket. Arnold is standing behind him. He is getting wrapped in the blanket. Then he is in his bed. Connor and Arnold are sitting next to it. He is still shivering.

After a while, he can’t estimate the time at all, his head begins to clear. The fog is leaving his brain. His vision becomes normal again. Someone is holding his hand. He still feels cold. How long had he been sitting in that shower?

He slowly turns his head to the left. There they are. Arnold and Connor, the latter one holding his hand. They must have carried him out of the shower. Kevin was so embarrassed. He truly was pathetic. This is what he got for being such a prideful fool. “I… “ The others immediately lift their heads to look at him. He doesn’t want them looking, judging. Price averts his gaze. “I am sorry.” He mumbles. He wishes, he wouldn’t have to put them through this shit, because he ran into the heavily guarded camp of a warlord, like the idiot he was. His hand is being squeezed. Connor attempts to smile at him. He usually seemed to be good at masking his true emotions, but right now it was all too apparent that he actually was devastated. “Will you please stop apologizing? You have done nothing wrong, okay?” He says in a soft voice. Price hears it, but he doesn’t believe it. Still, he nods. He doesn’t want to upset his friends any further.

McKinley sighs in relieve. “We were so scared you weren’t going to wake up, you know? I mean, yeah you were only out for like 30 minutes, but still.” Price is actually surprised that it had only been half an hour. He would have even believed McKinley if he had said it had been five. “It’s almost 9 by now. You must be very tired.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:  
> This chapter contains another graphic rape scene.

It’s already pitch black outside and Kevin is still lying awake. In Salt Lake City it had never been truly dark. Outside the house there was always some light, but here things were different. Arnold is quietly snoring in his bed. Lucky guy. He was so simple… Didn’t understand much… couldn’t be hurt much. However, he had seemed quite phased when he had told him they weren’t friends. And still, he had come to his rescue. Kevin figures he probably would have died without him. And he hadn’t even thanked him. Quite the friend he was. Kevin sighs. Even though he’s only wearing underwear he is terribly hot below the sheets. He throws the only cover, the only protection he had, off. He can feel fingers grabbing his flesh from below the mattress. He jolts up. Immediately his backside punishes him for it by sending a bolt of pain through him. Tears well up in his eyes. Dammit! Get it together Kevin! He carefully gets up. All he needed was a glass of water from the kitchen. He would be fine then.

Price gingerly limps towards the door, trying not to cause any more pain. It still hurt, but it was manageable. The door creaks loudly as he pushes it open. Arnold simply continues his slumber. Nothing could wake that guy up. Kevin gently closes the door and limps to the kitchen. Hardly anyone ever used it. He was a decent enough cook himself, but he simply didn’t know what to do with the stuff they could get here in Uganda. He pours himself a glass of nice, cold water from the crane. Well, not cold, closer to lukewarm, but whatever. He quickly gulps down all of it. Yeah, this was definitely helping. He was already feeling better. Now he only needed to get back to bed without waking anybody.

Then suddenly, just as he was going to turn around, two strong arms grab his body from behind. “Wha-?“ He is slammed onto the kitchen table. Oh no. he knows what this means. He twists in the others grip. “Let go of me!” He screams in a way higher pitch than he had hoped. His hands are being tied behind his back. “No way honey.” The other voice is filled with delight. Kevin knows that voice. No, it couldn’t be… He is slammed onto his back, finally able to see his attacker, standing between his spread legs. Connor is looking down at him with lustful eyes.

“Connor! Please! Please leave me alone!” He screams as tears roll down his face. Why would Connor do this? He had thought they were friends. “Sshh… be still. You’ll wake up the others. Or do you want them to find us like this? I’ll tell all of them what happened to you at the camp. How you let someone fuck you like a whore.” McKinley puts a finger on his lips. Kevin is sobbing. He couldn’t take this again. He would rather die than have his body be used against his will once more. But the others couldn’t know. Everyone would look at him the way Arnold does. And he couldn’t take that either. Connor bends over so that his mouth is directly next to Kevin’s ear. One hand is caressing his face, the other he uses to hold him down by his hair. “Don’t worry.” He whispers. “I won’t be like that damned brute. I’ll be gentle. I’ll show you how nice it can be.” He gets up again, one hand now on Kevin’s inner thigh. “I wanted you from the moment you first arrived here.” Connor looks down at him lovingly. “I know you feel the same way.” He smiles. “You don’t even know how beautiful, how tempting, you look.” He runs one hand down his naked torso. Kevin shudders at the touch. “Well, I simply cannot resist any longer.”

And then McKinley moves his hands into his underwear and grabs his ass. Connor grinds his body into him and grunts with satisfaction. Kevin can feel something very hard between his legs. That thing was going to be pushed inside of him. Then, Connor moves his hands the side of his hips and slowly pulls down the only piece of fabric on Kevin’s body. “No… no, please.” He whimpers. Connor runs his hands down from Kevin’s waist to his legs. “Your skin is so smooth and pretty.” He lets go of him and starts licking his fingers. “You’ll love this.” Then he leans in and presses his mouth against Kevin’s. It’s hot and wet and disgusting. Just as Connor’s tongue pushes into his mouth, Kevin feels two fingers pushed into his ass. It burns. He had barely even recovered from being raped with a book like half a day ago and now there was already something down there again. This would be hell. What if his stiches were going to rip?

And then he decides that he doesn’t care if the others find him. It already hurt and those were only fingers. He couldn’t take something bigger. And if he lets McKinley do it now, he will do it again.

So, when Connor finally removes his lip, he screams as loud as he can. “ARNOLD!! ARNOLD!! HEL-“

And just like that the person above him changes into Elder Cunningham. Kevin stares at him with big eyes. “Wha- How?” He nervously looks around himself. This wasn’t the kitchen. It was his and Arnold’s room. He had never left it. He had been dreaming. The other Elder puts his hands on Price’s shoulders. “It’s all right. It was all a dream.” He smiles a fake smile. “Yeah, yeah….” Kevin’s eyes nervously dart around the room as he tries to collect himself. It may have been a dream, but the panic was absolutely real. He had really thought that for the second time he would be… He notices that he is practically bathed in sweat, even though he was only wearing his underwear and had thrown the covers off. Suddenly Elder Cunningham’s expression turns more worried. Why? “Was it that bad?” he asks. Dammit! He was crying again! Why couldn’t he keep his shit together for like 10 minutes? He was pathetic, behaving like a scared 10 year old girl. Arnold stares at him with worried eyes. “Stop looking at me like that!” Kevin barks at him.  
Arnold’s expression turns to shock. “Like what? I- I’m just trying-“

“Like I’m the fuckin’ poorest, fate-struck bastard in the whole damn universe! I am not! I don’t need your pity.”

“Tha… That’s n-not what I was trying to… I, I am so sorry. I didn’t w-want to make y-you feel worse!” Arnold stutters. And now there’s guilt in his voice and that was almost worse. Immediately Kevin feels bad for lashing out at him. He needed help after all. But he couldn’t take Arnold behaving as though what had happened to him yesterday was the only thing he was looking at and talking to.

“I’m sorry… forget about it.” He didn’t want to argue now. He was to exhausted.

“Uhmm… okay, whatever.” Arnold scratches his hands nervously. “Do you maybe want to tell me about it?”

“No.” Elder Price lies back on the bed again.

The other looks down. “Oh, okay… I guess I’ll go back to my bed then…”

“Wait!” Kevin is shocked at his own rash reaction. He didn’t want to be alone. He was scared. “I’ve never seen Lord of the Rings.”

Arnold lets himself fall back on the bed. “You what? How could you not have seen it? It’s a classic!”

“My parents thought it would be a bad influence. I only saw films they had approved. Would you mind telling me what it is about?”


	11. Chapter 11

Kevin stares at the wall of his room. His cereal was already completely soaked in milk. He had probably let it sit on the table for an hour or so. The mission center was completely quiet. They all went to some stupid festival within the community. Of course he had been invited too, but there was no way he would go. He recently had started to feel anxious among crowds.

Since they had decided to stay, these occasions happened quite often. It had been four weeks since the mission president had declared them as “as far from latter day saints as it gets”. Price didn’t care. He didn’t believe anymore anyway. Or at least, he didn’t find a god willing to do that to him to be worthy of faith or tribute.

Kevin still hadn’t decided whether or not he liked those times alone at the house. On the one hand he liked having some time alone, where there was no one to fuss about him, but it was also terribly quiet.  He always felt like someone might jump at him every time he turned a corner. Like that feeling one gets at night after watching a horror movie.

He gets up to throw away the cereal. He doesn’t feel like eating anyway. He probably lost a bunch of weight since “the incident”, but he didn’t care. But where to put the leftover food? He doesn’t want Connor to see that he hasn’t been eating. He would only make a scene, as always. He throws it in the garbage and covers it with some paper towels. Hopefully that would be enough. Why was he even doing this? He was a grown man. He didn’t have to please McKinley. He wasn’t his mother.

Shit. Price realizes he hasn’t written home since five weeks. For his parents, this was as rude as taking a dump on the dinner table. But he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. What would he tell them? That all was well? That he really liked it in Uganda? Or that something had happened… No. He couldn’t. He would never lie to them, but telling them the truth was out of the fucking question. They would probably even think he was gay now.

Then, as he starts cleaning the dishes, he can feel it. There are two hands on his shoulders, trying to push him down. Not again. His hands are shaking and his breathing quickens. Kevin squeezes his eyes shut. “There is nothing there. You are alone in the house.” He whispers through clenched teeth. It isn’t helping. One of the hands is slowly moving down his back. “No one is here with you.” If only he could make himself understand that, maybe these things would stop. The hand moves down to his ass. “NO!!!”  He spins around, sending the glass standing next to him crashing to the floor. He opens his eyes. No one is there. Of course. He was being such an idiot. It was his fault, for thinking about “it” again.

Kevin slowly slumps to the floor. Why couldn’t he be fine? There was no danger around here. What had happened was OVER! Kevin puts his head into his hands and cries. _Again_. He was so weak. Pathetic. He was no man anymore. That… bastard had taken that away from him. He would never do something incredible now. He couldn’t even leave the house. He was ruined.

“Oh my god! Elder Price are you all right?” Connor immediately rushes to his side. Fuck. Where did he come from? No one should see him like this. He lifts his head, staring into another direction, hoping that McKinley wouldn’t notice how red his eyes probably were.

“I’m fine.” He manages to get out. Apperantly not very convincing.

“I knew we shouldn’t have left you alone.” Connor’s voice is filled with pity. Kevin hates it. “This is why I came back earlier. I am so sorry.” He puts his hand on Price’s shoulder.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” Kevin hisses at him. He didn’t need him. “I told you I’m fine!”

Connor looks at him with a face that’s impossible to read. Was he angry? Disappointed? Sorry? Maybe even terrified?

The other man gets back up and starts to collect the shards off the ground. After a while he speaks again.

“I’m not trying to belittle you, you know? I just want to help you. And I’m sorry to tell that to you, but... you are not fine.” He sits down next to Price again, giving him a sympathetic look. “I really think you should talk to me.”

Kevin feels tears well up behind his eyes again. He didn’t mean to lash out at Connor like that. He was always so patient about his bullshit.

“I—I’m sorry. I just…” He starts to cry again. At least this time Connor doesn’t try to touch him.

“It’s all right. Just tell me what happened.”

Kevin doesn’t know what it is, but something about the other Mormon makes it easier to talk, to trust someone. “Sometimes… when I’m alone, I- I can feel h-him” He looks down at his hands. What he just said sounded ridiculous. “It feels as though he’s grabbing me, trying to…” His voice breaks into sobs.

“It’s all right.” McKinley carefully takes his hand and squeezes it. “I’m glad you told me. I won’t leave you alone at the house again, okay?”

Kevin shuts his eyes tightly. “That won’t help. He’s everywhere.” He pauses. He should stop talking now. But he can’t. He wants to let out some of the pain, even if it makes him look pathetic. “I cannot sleep. I always have nightmares. It’s usually about him, but…”

He looks at Connor. “Sometimes… they’re about you.” 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... yeah... I finally finished this chapter. It's the one that took me the longest to write so far, because I wasn't really sure in what direction I wanted the story to develop. I hadn't planned this far, because I didn't think I would ever get this far. But now, I did some more planning and other stuff should be out faster. Yay, I guess.  
> Since I mostly wrote this during nighttime while being tired as hell, this is probably full of spelling/ grammatical errors. I'm sorry for that. I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Connor can’t believe what he is hearing. Kevin was having nightmares… about _him_? How the hell was he supposed to react to that?

He lets go of Price’s hand. “I- I’m sorry.” He stutters. He probably was upsetting his friend just by sitting next to him. Connor couldn’t help but feel extremely hurt. He knew Kevin wasn’t responsible for his feelings, but still… Didn’t he trust him? Did he actually think he would do something to him? Connor tries to get up to give the other Mormon some space.

“No, no it’s all right!” Kevin grabs his arm. They both seem to be equally surprised at that reaction. Price looks away again. “I shouldn’t have told you. I don’t even know why I did that. I’m such an idiot! Please don’t think that I’m scared of you or that I don’t appreciate the things you’re doing for me… it’s just that…that…” His voice breaks off again.

They both fall quiet. The silence is filled with a weird tension. The unspoken words hang in the air. Connor clears his throat and looks at Price questioningly.

“I don’t feel good around people anymore. I, I _never_ feel save. I know it’s stupid, but still… It’s not only you. Everyone makes me uneasy.”

Kevin pauses, stares at his hands, tears welling up in his eyes again.

 “But I also can’t be alone. Because then _he_ comes to haunt me. I’m a freaking a mess.”

Connor notices that his friend is shaking lightly. He desperately wants to take him into his arms. What should he say now? He wasn’t a therapist. He had no idea how to deal with these sorts of issues.

“Uhm… maybe you should go out a little bit? I think Arnold is helping Mafala build an extension to his house. Maybe that would help? I mean… you haven’t actually done anything in like… ages.”

It was a dumb idea. Connor knew it. But he didn’t know what else to propose that would make his friend better. At least Kevin seemed to think about it for some time.

“I- I don’t know…” He begins, but drifts off again.

“I guess I really should be doing something instead of just sitting around, wasting space.”

“You know that’s not what I meant by that-“

“Yeah, but it’s still true though.”

Connor hated the fact that his friend thought of himself like that. He needed time. Everybody understood that. Well, he had only told the other Elders some vague stories about torture but it had been enough to make them understand Price’s behavior.

“I’ll ask Elder Cunningham if he needs… or _wants_ my help. Now if you’ll excuse me,” Kevin gets back up again. “I’ll go and try to take a nap… I’ve missed out on some sleep this night…as you can imagine.” He hesitates for a moment. “Oh and that stuff about you and my nightmares… just, just forget that, okay? I’m not scared of you or anything. It’s just… some weird shit my brain is doing.” Price quickly leaves the room without even waiting for a response.

Connor sits alone on the kitchen floor. He feels hurt by the whole nightmare-business, but what worries him far more is Kevin’s overall state of mind. Was time going to be enough to fix him? McKinley was starting to doubt that. At first he had thought that his friend might behave a little strange for like a week, but it seemed like his psyche was in a far worse place than he had anticipated. Kevin was avoiding leaving his and Arnold’s room, when he feared he could encounter someone on his way. It was almost impossible to get him to directly look at your face, let alone a person’s eyes. He was eating and talking very little. And there always were dark circles under his eyes. Arnold had told him that he was talking in his sleep when he wasn’t screaming, mumbling vague pleas for mercy or just talking to himself.

On top of that Price’s parents had been calling the missionary center every week since the day they had all been told to go back home by the mission President. Cunningham had persuaded most of the others to stay in Uganda (Honestly Connor had no idea how he had accomplished that.) and help the villagers, but that crazy warlord was still out there, making them wait for his next visit. Hopefully that wouldn’t be too soon.

Every time Misses or Mister Price called, Connor told them one stupid lie why Kevin couldn’t come to the phone after the other.

“Oh, he’s still devastated by what the president said. He doesn’t want to talk about it.” (When the truth was that he probably didn’t give a rat’s ass what the president said or didn’t say.)

“Kevin? He’s in the shower right now.”

“What? No, I’m sorry he’s… uhmm… he’s just not available at the moment. Goodbye”

Every time he told those lies they became less and less believable. If he won’t get Price to answer the phone in the near future, his parents will be standing on their doorstep soon. Connor would have to talk him into that. Great. How would that be helpful in his recovery? Just what in the world he supposed to do?

Connor puts his head into his hands. He wants to cry. He wants to scream and tear out his own hair. He wants to punch at the walls until his fists hurt. But he couldn’t do this now. His friend needed him intact. He would just have to bury his feelings like he had always done.


	13. Chapter 13

Kevin’s eyes are focused on a disgusting looking brown spot on the ceiling. The mattress beneath him is too hard and uncomfortable. His eyes are burning. He had maybe slept 3 hours tops last night and the rest of the week hadn’t been any better. His head was about to explode. The dark circles under his eyes felt as though they were pushing into his skull. His vision was blurry, his thoughts scattered and unfocused and yet, here he was, in his bed, still not sleeping. The more he thought about it the worse it got. He wished someone would just knock him out. Even if it wasn’t like actual sleep and certainly wouldn’t do his body any good, he would at least be relieved of that damn headache. If you could even still call it a headache. Someone drilling a giant hole into his skull was more like it. He would cry if his eyes weren’t completely dried out.  
Kevin puts his forearm over his face and forces his eyes shut. “You will sleep. You will sleep.” He mutters to himself. Not very effective.

Maybe Connor was right. Maybe he had to go out and do something, get his mind off… well, that and finally be able to sleep. It was worth a try, right? But even though he had told McKinley that he would help Arnold and Mafala with the house, he just couldn’t see himself do it. He couldn’t even be around the other missionaries (Well those who had stayed, after being told to go home by the mission president), much less leave the house. No. He wouldn’t do it. It was simply impossible. They’d probably be better off without him anyway. He’d just annoy them and make a scene again. Now he is crying. What a freaking wimp he was. No one to take seriously.

Price rolls unto his side, eyes still squeezed shut. And what the hell was up with that weird conversation with Connor? He shouldn’t have told him about the nightmares. Now he would think he was being ungrateful. Or that he was scared the other man would throw himself on top of him as soon as he got the chance. Maybe he even was.  
Shit. He didn’t even know what he was thinking anymore. His brain was cluttered with all sorts of things, like a fog, silently smothering any rational thought he had. If only he could sleep. Then everything would be better. He was sure of it.

Maybe if he thought about something happy, something safe for once… Maybe that could help. Kevin tries to picture Orlando: the streets, houses and of course Disneyworld. It was so long ago that he had been there. The truth was that he could barely remember it. He had only been nine years old after all. The pictures in his head were muddy, unfocused and he was unable to put them into any sort of order. What was worse? That he couldn’t remember Orlando or that he would probably never go back? He can feel his stomach tighten at the thought. He couldn’t go back to America. Not now. His family had to be terribly disappointed with him for failing his mission. He had undermined all of their expectations. And… the thing that happened… he would never be able to hide it. They’d know. The thought of his parents, brother, sister and eventually the whole community knowing was unbearable. They would all look at him with pity, maybe even with disgust. He would forever be the guy who got a book shoved up his ass.

Great. This was where trying to have happy thoughts has led him. Thinking about how he could never return home and would be stuck in Uganda forever. Even worse, the warlord was still out there. Kevin’s eyes rip open. He would come back to the village sooner or later. And he knew he lived here. What if he would do something else to him? He forces his eyes shut again. No, that couldn’t be, could it? He wasn’t important enough to him. Was he expecting the general to someday ring their doorbell and ask if he could come in and have some tea? The thought was preposterous. As long as he didn’t go outside he would be safe… He was safe. But what if not? His chest is tightening, all the warmth draining from his limbs. The general could absolutely come back for him. And why wouldn’t he? Best fuck he’s had in years was what he had said… That he had liked his screams.

Kevin tries to stop remembering it, but he can’t. Suddenly and with full force it comes back to him, breaking through the dam he had carefully constructed in his brain. He had almost forgotten most of the details. But now he can feel the hands holding him down again, nails digging into his flesh. He can smell the heat and the sweat and his own blood. The trail of semen running down his leg… He tries to derail his thoughts to something else, but he can’t. The general was filling all of the space in his brain and had pushed out everything else. He hears the dark voice calling him “pretty” and “tight” while the others laugh, his pathetic pleas for mercy going unanswered. How cruel they had been, their only goal being to cause him pain and misery. Why couldn’t he remember Orlando, but of this his brain had recorded every detail for him. The pain hadn’t even been the worst. Sure, it had been terrible, especially the book, but the worst thing for him had been, how gruesome people could be.

In less than an hour the general and his guards had managed to completely shatter his world view and sense of self. He had always known people could be cruel and that things like that do happen, but it being done to himself… Something like that changes everything. He doesn’t see people the way he did before. He doesn’t see himself the way he did before. The general and his guard had had no regard for his humanity. They just saw him as something to have fun with and torture, merely an object, to be cast aside and left to die when done with. He knows he’s a person. That he has value and feelings. That it is not okay to mistreat him that way. That’s what he had been taught. But there is this gnawing feeling deep inside of him, that that’s not true. That he and his thoughts are empty and meaningless, that he is unimportant, something others can act upon as they wish, as long as he’s weaker than them. “No, no, no… that’s not true.” He whispers to himself, as if that could persuade him.

Kevin hugs himself tightly. In his mind the general is yanking down his pants, touching him, torturing him. He had tried to run away from those memories, lock them up somewhere in the back of his mind. He realizes now that was impossible. He would have to face it. He notices that he is sobbing. This time he doesn’t care. His dignity was long gone anyway. So, Kevin lies there, reliving the worst moment of his entire existence. The pain almost feels real. His heart is racing in his chest. His breathing is uncontrollable. Just when the general is about to shove the book into him, his stomach tightens. There is warm saliva in his mouth. Shit. He would definitely vomit. Panicked he jumps out of his bed. He storms towards the bathroom. He couldn’t barf on the floor. Someone would have to clean it up and the smell would last for days. Just when his fingers touch the toilet seat he can’t hold it anymore. Bile rises up and hits the bowl. There was no food in his stomach to go with it. He flushes. This had been exhausting. He felt worse now than before. But at least he had managed to only hit the toilet. This was the first victory against his body in weeks.

When he turns around his heart suddenly jumps and he pushes back a scream. Connor was standing in the doorframe.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you. I just heard… something and thought I should check on you.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure, I’m fine. Don’t worry.” Price smiles at him unconvincingly. “Must have been something I ate.”

When he wants to push past Connor to get back to the bed, for the first time, he notices how bad the other missionary looks. Well, not nearly as bad as he himself, but sill bad. There were dark rings under his eyes, his face seemed hollow somehow and his hair was sticking up in all directions. Kevin stops in his tracks.

“Elder McKinley…. Are you all right?”

Connor looks completely surprised. “Me? Why… why would you ask if I am all right? I mean, you have way bigger problems.”

“It’s just… you don’t look so good.”

“Oh, you don’t have to be concerned about me. I’m fine, I’m fine. It’s nothing really.” McKinley smiles. Kevin is not really sure if it’s genuine.

“You shouldn’t worry so much about me.” Kevin was sure this was the reason for the state Connor was in. “I’ll be fine.” He takes the other’s hands into his own. “I don’t want you to suffer because of me.”

Connor blushes slightly. “Thank you…It’s all right though. I am your friend after all. But it’s nice of you to ask.”  
Kevin smiles weakly. He then lets go of Connor’s hand and pushes past him. He really needed to sleep now.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that Arnie is kind of a douche in this chapter, but he is only doing, what he thinks is best. Please forgive my little cinnamon roll.  
> Also, I would like to assure everyone, that I actually always research the psychological stuff I need for this fic. I even went to my university's library to read up on trauma before I wrote chapter 1. Of course it's not 100% accurate, but I'm trying to be mostly realistic and I'm not just pulling things like the fear of going outside out of my ass.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

This was so exciting! Kevin would finally go out again. Hanging out with Nabulungi and Mafala would be very good for him. Arnold energetically opens the front door. Price is standing a few feet behind him, his hands nervously touching each other.

“Come on, it’ll be fun!” Arnold smiles at him gleefully. He was a little bit worried his friend would change his mind, now that he was standing in front of this terribly threatening door. And he is right. Kevin doesn’t move.

“I… I think that… maybe… I, I’m not feeling too good… eh, it’s just, just… we could try this another time… perhaps?” Price scratches his arm and his feed nervously shuffle around on the floor. He looks up at Arnold with an expression as though he was trying to get permission to go back to his room.

Well, he wasn’t going to get it.

“But it’s such a beautiful day! The sun is shining! Come on!” Arnold gently grabs his hand and tries to pull him forward. Kevin immediately pulls back.

He puts his arm around Price’s shoulders and looks at him with pleading eyes.

“You promised you would come. I was really looking forward to this, you know? And I'm sure you'll have a great time. You haven't been out for so long. It’s not that difficult to go outside. You just have to gather all of your courage and man up! I know you can do it!” He gives Price another push. However, instead of walking through the door, Kevin takes a step backwards, his expression frozen, but unreadable.

“I can’t do it, I won’t.”, he says with a stern voice.

Arnold was getting increasingly frustrated. This was getting nowhere. This was a rare thing for him, not being frustrated with himself, but with others. He just didn’t understand his friend at all. How could it be difficult to walk through the door? Couldn’t he see that staying inside all day, doing nothing, was breaking him? Arnold had had enough of this. Kevin had been like this for weeks, just slowly marinating in his own sadness. This would stop now. Forcefully Arnold grabs Price’s arm, ignoring Kevin’s resistance. Without a word he starts to drag him out the door.

“St- stop it!” Kevin was trying to remove Arnold’s arm. “I told you to stop!” His voice was showing hints of fear.

But Arnold wasn’t going to stop. This was absolutely ridiculous. How could he be scared of going outside? Cunningham just didn’t understand. He would just get him out, they would hang out together and Kevin would see that life was fun. After that everything would be all right again. He wouldn’t need to be afraid anymore. And Arnold would finally have his friend back. He pulls harder now, ignoring the other’s pleas and begs. This had to be done. For Kevin. He feels Price’s arm go limp in his hand. That was probably a good sign. He had given up his resistance.

With one last pull Arnold drags his friend into the sunlight. It was a great day for being outside, not too hot. There was no one around except for a few animals and plants. Kevin couldn’t possibly be scared of this. Elder Cunningham turns around with triumphant joy on his face. “See? Nothing to be afrai-“

Arnold immediately realizes that this had been a mistake. Elder Price is as white as a sheet and trembling. His eyes are squeezed shut tightly and his breathing is both erratic and flat. Elder Cunningham quickly let’s go of his arm. He stares at Kevin wide-eyed and in complete shock. He realizes that, as is the case so often with him, doesn’t know what to do now. “Oh my god… E-Elder Price I am so sorry.” He reaches out to touch his shoulder, but thinks better of it. Kevin is almost in the same mental state as when he found him in the desert weeks ago, only less intense. However, this time, it was Arnold’s fault that he was like that. What the heck should he do now? Panicked he looks around. Should he call for help? Connor would surely know what to do. But he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. Everyone would see what a screw-up he was… again. As if they needed any more proof of that.

Cold sweat is slowly dripping down his neck. “E- E- Elder Price?” If only he could get him to react. “Hey, come on buddy… can you stop now? I mean... just calm down a little… It’s not that bad out here.”

Kevin now looks at him with panicked eyes. “I- I can’t…” He is cut short by another quick and shallow breath. “I - need - air!” Price is now desperately clutching his throat and starts to violently gag.

Oh god. Arnold needed to do something. But he could already feel a paralyzing panic rising inside his gut. No, no, no! He couldn’t lose it now! Why did he always eff up everything he was doing? He had just wanted to help Price!

He places his sweaty hands on his friend’s shoulders and tries to look at him as reassuringly as possible. “I- It’s all right… Uh… We’ll get you inside.” Yes, getting him inside. Of course, that was the logical thing to do! Sometimes his mouth was thinking faster than his brain was.

Elder Cunningham quickly lays his arms around Price and pulls him up. Kevin didn’t seem to enjoy the fact that their bodies were now pushed together quite tightly. He inhaled sharply.

“Shh, it’s all right. I just have too, ugh…. Get you inside. You’re kind of heavy though.” Arnold could barely move him, now that he wasn’t standing anymore. Tiny drops of sweat were collecting on his forehead and dripping onto Price’s shirt. He carefully takes one step at a time, mostly concentrating on not letting his friend drop to the ground. For some reason Kevin was shivering, even though they were both in Africa and it was pretty hot. He had just managed to get his friend into the doorframe, when he hears Connor yelling.

“Oh my gosh?!” What happened?” Immediately the other Elder rushes towards them.

“Uhm… well… we just went outside and he- he…” Arnold begins to stutter. McKinley couldn’t know he had screwed up again. If he knew this was his fault… he would never leave him alone with his friend again… and the embarrassment, he couldn’t deal with that. Everyone already thought he was a loser and good-for-nothing, anyway.

“He what? Tell me what happened!” Connor sounds extremely agitated now. “Why is he breathing like that?” He pauses and looks at Arnold questioningly.

But Arnold couldn’t answer. “I, I…. I thought he should…” Panic was rising inside his guts. His vision was beginning to blur. He can feel Kevin’s quick, shallow breaths against his left cheek.

“Hey? Elder Cunningham? Arnold!” Connor waves his hand in front of him. His voice sounds muffled, as if there was cotton in Arnold’s ears. “Did something happen? Did someone do something to you?” He was unable to respond. His throat was too tight, killing any sound that could’ve come out of it.

Arnold can see McKinley quickly turning around. “HEY! We need some help over here!” A few seconds later Kevin is pulled out of his arms and he sees Connor and Elder Thomas carry him into their shared room. Arnold’s arm is laid around Elder Church’s shoulder, who is now helping him stay on his feet.

At this moment Arnold knows. He had done what he always does. Kevin was worse now than before. And it was his fault.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're interested, I have rewritten parts of Chapter 1 because I reread it lately and holy fucktruck that was a goddamn mess. I applaud you if you read it and still kept reading afterwards.  
> I didn't change the plot though, so if you don't want to reread you should still be absolutely fine. I just changed / deleted some lines and made the overall writing style a little better.
> 
> That said, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Arnold was sitting on his bed, opposite of Kevin who was now wrapped in a blanket and staring at him blandly. Nervously he scratches his hands, too embarrassed to look up at his companion. After all he had failed him. He had failed him like he had failed no one else in a long time. He can feel that his face is flushed. What was Kevin thinking about him now? Probably that he was the worst “best friend” in all of history. From now on he would just leave all of that business to Connor. He knew what to do, Arnold didn’t. God, he was such a failure. There was nothing he could ever do right, even if he tried his very best, he’d still fail. 

“Hey, are you alright?” A warm hand places itself on his knee. Arnold looks up. Kevin is looking at him with sympathetic eyes. “You’re crying.”

Elder Cunningham slowly moves his fingers to touch his face. Price was right. His skin was wet. He blushes. His friend was the one who should be crying, not him. “I-It’s nothing really.” He clumsily tries to wipe away his tears. Kevin removes his hand again. There is a short and awkward pause. Then Arnold feels his hands being grabbed. He looks up again. “You can tell me. I mean…” Price grimaces slightly. “…you already know what’s wrong with me. Might as well tell me what’s bothering you for a change.”  
Kevin was right. It wasn’t fair for him to know of the most terrible thing in his life, while not even telling him the reason for why he was crying. Arnold didn’t want to bother him though. His problems were petty compared to his friend’s trauma. 

“Come on. Give me a chance to help you too for once.” Elder Price is looking at him with pleading eyes.

Arnold swallows the lump in his throat. “Fine. You’re right. But it’s stupid. It really is. You have bigger problems.” He waits for Kevin to tell him that he is right and that he doesn’t really want to know, but instead the other Elder just looks at him expectantly. He takes a deep breath and averts his gaze. It was easier that way.

“I am simply so sick of constantly letting everyone down! I mess up everything! Even… even when I try to help you, I only make everything worse! I thought I could just… force you outside and you’d be magically healed. That’s stupid! I am so stupid!” Arnold is crying again. He lets his head sink into his hands. “My father was right.” 

Price looks at him with a stern expression. “You know what Elder? I think you’re great. You’re compassionate and good hearted! And… and you always do your best. You are honest and you are a great friend, MY friend. You have always been there for me, even when I treated you like dirt. And I never even said thank you. And if your father can’t see that, then, then screw him!”

Arnold looks up at Elder Price again. Did he really mean it? “You… you actually think that?”

“Yes. And who cares what your stupid father thinks? He doesn’t even deserve a son like you.”

Arnold couldn’t believe it… No one had ever said these things about him. And it was Kevin who was saying it! “B-but I always mess up everything!” He whines.

“Who cares?!” Kevin now firmly grips his arms and looks directly into his eyes. “Most people don’t even try. You do! You never left me! You gave those villager’s hope, something to live for!”

Elder Cunningham bites his lip. “Th-thank you…” He wants to say something, tell Elder Price how much that means to him, but he tears up again. 

The other Mormon tightens his grip. “I am so sorry Arnold! I am sorry for trying to leave you. And for telling you, you weren’t my friend. That was very wrong of me!”  
And then Elder Price gets up and pulls him into a tight embrace. He is surprised at first but then puts his arms around his friend and pushes his face against him. He needed this. The last time he had hugged someone was when they were sent to Uganda. Back then, he thought everything was all right with him. He knows now that that had never been true. Arnold notices that his tears and sweat are staining Kevin’s shirt. A little embarrassed he pulls back his head. He sighs.

“I am so sorry for forcing you to go outside. I will never ever do anything like that again. I promise!”

Kevin lets go of him again and his expression changes to a more serious one. “I… I don’t even know what happened there… I mean, it’s completely stupid, right? There is literally nothing I should be afraid of out there.” He sinks onto his bed again, shoulders slumped down. “It’s absolutely ridiculous.”

Arnold doesn’t really know what to say. He kind of wants to tell him that actually, there are things out there to be afraid of… like lions… or mosquitos… or flesh-eating bugs… and most importantly: the general. He figures that wouldn’t really help his friend though, so he just keeps quiet instead. He didn’t understand these sorts of things anyway, probably a lot less than Connor or Kevin at least. 

“Uh… It’s okay. We’ll just… try again sometime? Maybe, I mean, only if you want to of course! I don’t… like… want anything to happen again.” Kevin doesn’t say anything. “I… I’m sorry… it’s just… you have to get out again someday…”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Kevin replies with a small voice. They both remain silent after that.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new update? So soon? Wow. 
> 
> I feel the need to explain the state the mormons and the village etc. are in right now, since I didn't really mention it in my story and I think it could be confusing for some readers.
> 
> Basically the ending of the second Act took place, but without Kevin being present to pep talk Elder Cunningham. This resulted in some of the mormons leaving after the mission was shut down by the president, while some of them were convinced by Arnold to stay.  
> Also, the General is still out there, since Elder Price had a huge role in "defeating" / converting him, but the Price in my story was obviously in no condition to do so. 
> 
> Other than that everything is pretty much the same as in the end of the musical. Arnold and Nabulungi are together and the african villagers are mormons. (Since those events could take place without Kevin being present)
> 
> This chapter takes place about four to five weeks after that.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> Thanks to my sister for beta-reading this chapter!

Anxiously, Connor stares at the caller ID, displayed on their house-phone. He had been in the kitchen, fetching himself some snacks, when it had started ringing. It was Kevin’s parents again. Connor cringes. What was he supposed to tell them this time? He couldn’t just not answer. He had already done this twice this week and it was completely unrealistic that there wouldn’t be anyone to pick up the phone three times in a row. Reluctantly he grabs the telephone, already thinking about the lie he would tell this time.

“Yes. Hello. This is Elder Connor McKinley.”

“Oh, it’s you again. I am starting to feel like I am calling you instead of my son.” A male voice replies, trying to sound friendly, but still very obviously annoyed.

Connor fakes a laugh. “Yes, I can understand why you would feel that way. I presume you would like to talk to Elder Price?” He tries to be as polite as possible, to not outrage Kevin’s father. He had lost count of how many times the poor man, or his wife, had called, only for Connor to tell them that Kevin was unavailable.

“Yes, that is correct. Could you get him on the phone this time?”

“Uhh… I hate to inform you, but this is a very bad time. He’s… Uhh… He went grocery shopping for us. I don’t know when he’ll be back. He tends to get wrapped up in conversations very easily.”

Connor hears an extremely annoyed sigh. “Look sonny, this is the fourth time one of us called you this week and frankly, we are getting pretty worried over here. It’s not like we can just drive a few miles to check up on him. Please get him on the phone for us, will you? My wife has been having trouble sleeping lately because of this. I’m sure everything is fine and all… but it would really help to hear his voice to be sure of that.”

Connor swallows. The other man was right. Of course they were worried sick. They hadn’t been able to reach their so for five weeks now and it wasn’t like he was stationed in France or Norway. No, he was in Uganda, where bad things actually did happen fairly often. But Elder Price’s parents would never be able to imagine what had happened to their son. If they knew, they’d probably be on their doorstep within a few days to pick up their poor little boy.  
“Y-yes, I understand, Mister Price. I will get him on the phone for you as soon as he comes back. I promise.”

“Why, thank you very much. Life will be easier for my wife and I after having heard from him.” Kevin’s father already sounds relieved.

“Okay. Nice talking to you. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, son.”

Shit. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have actually promised them to get Kevin on the phone? He didn’t know how to do that. But he couldn’t not have promised, right? They’d probably start thinking their son was dead, otherwise. He had to make Elder Price understand how important it was for him to talk to his parents.  
Connor moves toward Kevin’s and Arnold’s room. Price had been in there for the entire day. Cold sweat is running down his forehead. How would he be able to convince him? He knocks. “Elder Price, it’s me.” Connor opens the door.  
Kevin is lying on his bed, not doing anything, just staring into space.

“Heeyyy…. Elder Price!” He starts off with a very friendly, but cautious voice. It was practiced well by this point. “How are you doing?”

“Fine, I guess.” Kevin replies in an indifferent tone of voice without even looking at him.

“Oh, okay. That’s good to hear. Hey, do you know where Arnold is?”

“Hanging out with Nabulungi. He of course asked me if I wanted to come too, but… you know…”

“Ah, okay. Great. I was wondering where he was.”

“But that’s not why you are here.” Kevin sits up on his bed and looks at him questioningly.

“Well… no… You see, your parents called and-“

“No! I know what you want to say and the answer is no!”

This was going great. “Oh come on Elder Price! They’re your parents. They are very worried about you. Your mother can’t sleep anymore and they are probably starting to think that I murdered you.”

“I cannot talk to them, okay? I just can’t. Please don’t ask me again.”

“But I promised I would get you on the phone! I mean, Jesus Christ, you haven’t talked to them in five weeks!”

“I know that” Kevin is very agitated now. “Look, I can’t talk to them, okay? They’ll hear my voice and they’ll just _know_ … Do you think that I don’t miss them? That I wouldn’t want to talk to them? But like I said: I can’t.”

Connor feels so much pity for him. He hadn’t thought of it that way before. Of course Kevin wanted to talk to his parents. He needed them now more than ever. To not be able to reach out for help to the ones you love… That was terrible.

“Oh come on. They won’t know. They won’t even see your face. How would they be able to tell?”

Kevin shrugs. “I don’t know. But they’re my parents. That’s just how parents are.”

“They are so worried about you! Please, Kevin, please, you have got to talk to them!”

Connor can see now that his friend’s eyes are teary. “Hey, hey, it’s all right!” He puts one hand on his shoulder.

Kevin looks up at him. “No, it’s not all right, okay? You don’t understand. I really, really want to talk to them, hear their voices, but I’m afraid that I won’t be able to make a single sound! And if I say something my voice will give me away! And then they’ll _know_ … And then they’ll be more worried… maybe fly over here. They’ll take me back to America and then _everyone_ will know!”

Connor now puts both hands on Elder Price’s shoulders and looks directly into his eyes. “Kevin…” It was the first time he had ever addressed the other mormon by his first name. “They won’t know what happened just from your voice. They’ll think you’re shaken up sure, but they won’t come over here because you sound a little distressed. That simply won’t happen, okay? If they ask, just tell them that you’re still in shock about the mission president shutting us down. They’ll believe that. Especially coming from you.”

Kevin wipes away a single tear that had managed to escape his left eye. “They’ll know.” He whispers. “They _will_ know….”

Connor sighs. He wasn’t making any progress. He tightens the grip on Kevin’s shoulders. “But you need to talk to them. If you don’t, they’ll start to think you are dead. And then, they might actually fly over here to see for themselves. And then you’ll have to confront them face to face.” McKinley was sorry to have to say that. It wasn’t right to scare Kevin into talking with his parents. He was on edge enough already as it was. But Connor was sure that he would feel better afterwards and this seemed to be the only way to get him to do it. He sees Kevin’s expression change. His eyes widen and he looks extremely worried.

“Okay….” He mumbles. “I’ll do it… I’ll do it today. Just… give me some time to prepare.”

“Great.” Elder McKinley lets go of his shoulders. “I am glad to hear that. Your parents will be so relieved. I’ll be in my room if you need anything else from me. You know you can always talk to me, right?” Price nods. McKinley gets up and leaves. Kevin is sitting on his bed, his hands clenched into fists.

As Connor closes the door behind himself, he lets out a sigh of relieve. He was glad that conversation was over. At least he had been able to convince Kevin… But he had stressed him out even more in the process. “I am sorry.”, he murmurs and then goes to his room.


	17. Chapter 17

Kevin does know that he is slowly digging his nails deeper and deeper into the palms of his hands. But somehow he doesn’t really feel it. His brain is simply too busy with freaking out about calling his parents to process any pain. Stupid McKinley...  Why did he think it was okay to put him on the spot like that? He totally could have told his parents to call in a week or so, right? Why didn’t he just do that instead? Kevin sighs. He knows it isn’t really Connor’s fault. And his parents probably really were worried sick. In fact, he is probably angrier at himself for being so anxious, than he is at Connor. He sits like this for a few more minutes before deciding that putting it off any longer will just make him nervous. He sighs and reluctantly gets up. This was definitely going to suck.

When he enters the kitchen, which is where their one and only phone was located, he spots Elder Thomas, who quickly averts his gaze. Right. He was the one who helped Connor carry him into his room after his little meltdown the other day. This was going to be awkward.

“Uh, hi, Elder Thomas.”

The other mormon looks up at him. “Hi, Elder Price.” He pauses. “Are you feeling better?”

Kevin can already feel the blood rushing to his face. “Yeah, yeah… it’s much better now. Don’t really know what hit me there. Must have been the heat or something.” He laughs nervously. “Anyway… thanks for… uhh… you know, helping me.”

“Yeah, sure. No problem.” Thomas smiles weakly.

Elder Price clears his throat. “Okay, okay, good.” He smiles back. “Uhm, I know this is kind of rude, but could you maybe leave me alone? I’m sorry, but I want to call my parents and-“

“Oh, yeah, of course. I’ll let you have some privacy.” Elder Thomas smiles once more and hastily leaves the room. To Price it seemed as though he had only been waiting for an excuse to get away from him.

Kevin hadn’t talked much to the others since “ _the incident_ ”, except for the occasional pleasantries. There had always been this really awkward aura when someone tried to talk to him. They didn’t know what had happened, but his weird behavior was probably enough to make any social interaction embarrassing. Now Kevin was already feeling more certain that the conversation with his parents would be hell. He stares at the phone. His heart is beating faster and faster every second. There is a lump in his throat that, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t swallow. He knew what he had to do. Take the phone into his hand, dial the number with the other one and then just wait. This was something he had done hundreds of times before, but it seemed impossible right now. He becomes aware of the fact that his nails are digging into his flesh again. Kevin forces his fists to unclench. He shuts his eyes and takes deep breaths. “You can do this!” he thinks to himself. “This is not difficult. Nothing bad will happen. It’s just your parents. You’ve done this before.”

Elder Price picks up the phone and with a shaking hand dials the correct number. It felt unreal to be so scared of something so mundane. He hears a cracking through the speaker. For a second he thinks that the connection won’t work. It wouldn’t be the first time. He was in a poor African village after all. But then he can clearly hear the dial tone, then someone picking up on the other end. His heart stops.

“Hello. This is Henry Price.” The other voice waits a short moment for him to reply. “Kevin? Is that you?”

Elder Price is ripped from the stasis, he had fallen into, by the sound of his name.  “H-Hi Dad.” He mumbles.

“Oh thank God!” His father’s voice immediately lightens up. “It’s so good to hear you again son. I was getting really worried. Elder McKinley told me you were all right, but still…”

Kevin feels so ashamed right now for putting his parents through this. How worried they must have been… “I’m fine dad.” His voice cracks. “Don’t worry about me.”

“Kevin… If this is about what the mission president said… don’t worry about it, okay? We are not upset with you. I mean… of course we were at first, but we’ve come to terms with it. Your job was much more difficult than the others. You are in Uganda after all. We still think you’re incredible. And your decision to stay and continue to help those poor Africans, we really respect that.” The man pauses, but then adds. “You are our son. We love you.”

Tears start running down Kevin’s face. Hearing his father for the first time in five weeks was overwhelming him. He missed his parents so much. “Thank you dad.” He manages to force out of his mouth.

“Kevin? What’s wrong?” His father must have heard his repressed sobbing. Elder Price wants to say something, but is unable to.

“Son? Are you all right?” The other voice now sounds extremely concerned.

Kevin clears his throat. “Yeah, yeah… I’m…” His voice is interrupted by another sob.

“Kevin? You’re worrying me.”

“It’s nothing… I just… I’m just glad to hear your voice. I miss you.”

“We miss you too. And you can’t imagine how glad I am to finally hear _your_ voice. But I have to ask: Why didn’t you call us sooner?”

Price doesn’t know what to say. His mind is desperately searching for an excuse when he is interrupted by his father.

“It’s because of the mission president, isn’t it? Were you too ashamed to talk to us?”

“Yeah, I was afraid how you would react.”

“Like I told you, it’s all right. I’m just glad to be talking to you again.”

Elder Price is desperately trying to keep his act together. He lets himself sink to the floor and hugs his knees. He wishes his dad were there now. “I’m glad too.”

“Kevin? Is there something wrong? You sound so strange.”

He can’t hold back his sobs anymore. Hearing his father was simply too much for him. So Kevin just sits on the floor, weeping. For a while his dad doesn’t say anything anymore.

Then he speaks up again and says something that makes Price’s heart drop ten feet. “Kevin… You’re _really_ worrying me now. Did something happen?”

What should he say now? He would never be able to look his dad in the eyes or talk to him again if he knew.

“It’s just… Uganda isn’t a very nice place to be in. I miss home.” This wasn’t even a lie.

“Do you want to come back? You know, your mission has been shut down. We could buy a plane ticket for you if-“

“No!” He interrupts his father. “I don’t want that.”

He couldn’t go back after what had happened. Heck, he couldn’t even leave the mission center. How was he supposed to take a flight? And if they saw him the way he was now… Dark rings under his eyes, way thinner than before and just overall messy from head to toes… They would also notice how he cowered at every touch. They would try to get him to go out of the house. They would ask him every waking moment what in the world was wrong with him. And eventually he would have to tell them. His home would be tainted for him if he suffered there. That could never ever happen. He would only come back when he was all right again. _If_ he was ever going to be all right again that was…

“I can’t come back. They need me here. And if they can live here, so can I.”

“That’s very brave of you, son.” His father still sounds concerned. “But you do know we can’t come and visit you, right? Not with my work and everything….”

“Yes, that’s all right dad. I know.” His parents coming over to Uganda was the last thing he wanted after all.

“Well, okay then…” The next seconds are filled only by awkward silence.

“Is there anything else… I can do for you?” His father asks cautiously.

“I don’t know… I think it would help… if you would simply talk to me. Just tell me what happened the last few weeks.”

“Yeah, okay sure, I can do that.” His father switches to his usual, cheery tone of voice. “We were at a barbecue at Barbara and William’s yesterday. You know, the Cunninghams. We talked a lot about the two of you. Barbara is so proud of her son for staying in Uganda to help. You wouldn’t believe it.”

Kevin smiles. Even if Arnold’s father didn’t appreciate him, at least his mother did.

“And she made this really great cake. You would have loved it. There was cake, cream and even ganache. And everything made out of chocolate! I know how much you love that stuff”

“That does sound quite amazing.” Kevin can’t help but grin. It felt so good to talk about something normal with someone he loved, even if it was something as silly as cake. They talk for a while, his father telling Price about how he went fishing for the first time, how his brother aced all his tests in school and how his mom had taking sewing up as a hobby lately. Usually this would have bored him, but right now Kevin loved hearing about all these things.

“It was really great talking to you again, dad.”

“You too, son. Let’s not wait five weeks to do it again, okay?” His father says, half-jokingly, half-serious.

“Yes, sure. I’m sorry about that. Please say hello to mom and the others.”

“Sure, will do.”

Elder Price hesitates for a short moment. “Love you dad.”

“I love you too. I hope you’ll feel better from now on. You can always call. And if you change your mind about coming home, you just let me know and I’ll immediately buy a ticket for you.”

“Yeah, thanks dad. Goodbye.”

“Talk to you soon.” Then his father hangs up. 

Kevin stares at the phone in his hands for a few more minutes. He had actually spoken to his father. And it had been good for him, instead of the disaster he had anticipated. He smiles to himself. His dad was great. He wipes away a single tear.


	18. Chapter 18

Connor is looking at the newly purchased object in his hands. It had seemed like a good idea at first, but now simply sounded stupid to him. The object was a black and blue ring binder notebook. A few days ago he had had the great idea to get Elder Price to write a journal. He had thought this would help him cope with his emotions, since he only very rarely talked about them. Burying them deep inside couldn’t be good for him, right? And since he wouldn’t talk about it, the only thing remaining was to write them down. So, this morning Elder McKinley had decided to go to the store and buy a notebook for his friend. But now, as he is slowly walking home from the market, he is starting to doubt its usefulness. How was a little bit of creative writing supposed to help you recover from something as horrible as what Kevin went through? He probably wouldn’t even write anything at all… Or what if this could make things worse? What if it made Kevin relive his trauma? But what else was there that could help the other mormon? Connor was at his wit’s end. He didn’t know how to deal with psychological issues and this was his last resort. And it was necessary that Kevin got his feelings out. Why else would psychologists take hours to talk about patient’s personal experiences? Not that he had ever seen a psychologist’s office from the inside. But he _had_ seen movies. Gosh, he was just so ill-equipped to deal with a situation like this. He wished he could just whip out his Laptop and do a google search on PTSD. But of course, there was no internet here in Kitguli. There wasn’t a library either, so all he had to go on was the feeling in his guts. And right now, they were twisting and turning, still trying to decide if this journal-thing was a good idea.

A few feet away a woman, interrupting the work on her house, cheerfully waves at him.

“It’s good to see you Elder McKinley! I hope you are having a lovely day!” She shouts towards him.

“You too, Sister Kyambadde!” He shouts back, also waving his arm. He walks towards her and engages in a little bit of small talk. Sister Kyambadde tells him of all the things she has improved around her house and how it makes life for her and her son a little easier. She thanks him for all the help the Elders have provided, but McKinley insists on it being nothing. After all, they were one community now. And the Africans were supplying them with food, as the funding from Salt Lake City had obviously been cut. Coupled with the money some of the Elders got from their parents, they had enough to get by. He hugs the woman goodbye and wishes her the best of luck. She of course does the same and is unable to let him leave, before giving him some of her self-grown vegetables. Connor thanks her and then continues on his way. The people of this village were simply incredible. They had lived through such extreme hardships and horrific times and still managed to retain their warmth and humanity. They were much friendlier than most Americans he knew, that was for sure. Connor really hoped that they could do their part to make their lives at least a little easier. If he could do that, there would be a purpose to his existence.

However, the General was still out there. That fact was hanging over the village like a dark raincloud. Well, if only it was a raincloud. The last rain had been two weeks ago… and still Sister Kyambadde had shared her harvest with him. She was amazing.

When he reaches the mission center, he notices a big package in front of their door. Further inspection reveals that it came from the US. Wow. That took quite some luck for it to actually arrive here. As far as Connor knows, the next postal office is at least fifty kilometers away. The package was addressed to “Elder Kevin Price” and was sent by “Mr. Henry Price”. Connor can’t help but smile. This was simply adorable. Kevin had told him that the phone call went pretty well, but he hadn’t expected this. He was sure Price’s father had heard how distressed his son sounded and then sent him some gifts to cheer him up. This was so thoughtful of him. It made McKinley feel even more stupid about the notebook though.

Connor decides that he is definitely going to need some help to get the vegetables and the heavy looking box in front of him inside. After knocking three times, Elder Cunningham opens the front door for him. The other Elders were out, building a new well with the villagers, though Connor kind of doubted that they were of much help. He had asked Arnold to stay at the mission center however, since he had promised Kevin to not leave him alone at the house again.

“Oooh, what is that?” Arnold rushes towards the package.

“It’s from Elder Price’s father. I think I’ll need some help to carry it.”

“Sure thing!” Cunningham immediately bends down and picks up the big box.

“Isn’t that a little bit too heavy for you?” Connor asks, worried that the other mormon might drop it.

“No, no, it’s fine.” Arnold replies smiling, starting to walk back into the house.

“If you say so…” Connor sighs and follows him inside, preparing himself to catch the package, should it fall.

“How is Elder Price doing? Where even is he?” McKinley looks around kind of worried.

“Oh, he’s in the living room right now. We were watching Wall-E, but about half way through it, he fell asleep. You know… because he usually doesn’t sleep that much.” They reach the kitchen and put the package and vegetables on the table. Connor is pretty relieved that Elder Cunningham didn’t drop his item. Arnold’s face changes to a more worried expression. “I think his nightmares are still pretty bad. I often wake up because he is talking or shouting in his sleep.”

Connor had been afraid this was the case, but somehow he still had hoped that the nightmares had simply disappeared. They are both silent for a short moment.

“Should I go and get him to have a look at the box?” Arnold asks, a little unsure of himself.

“No.” Elder McKinley shakes his head. “If he’s sleeping you should let him sleep. As you already said, he’s missing out on quite a bit of it.”


	19. Chapter 19

Kevin slowly opens his eyes to the blinding light. He lets out a small yawn. At first he is startled because he doesn’t know where he is. This wasn’t his room. But he quickly realizes that he is in the mission center’s living room. Someone had draped a warm blanket around him. Price smiles. Must’ve been Arnold. He pulls the blanket up to his chin and snuggles into it. This was the first time he had felt comfortable in a long time. He closes his eyes again. He didn’t really think he was going to go back to sleep, but maybe he could daydream for just a little while. He is a little disappointed that he didn’t catch the second half of Wall-E though. It had been pretty sad, but he had still wanted to see what would happen next. The two little robots were just too cute together. Maybe he could ask Arnold if he’d be willing to watch it a second time, though he’d probably prefer Star Wars or something of that sort.

Just as he is picturing how they would watch both movies together, having a nice little DVD-evening, he hears taps on the window. Normally he wouldn’t worry, but they continue for about thirty seconds. It sounds as though there was a branch scraping on the glass. But he knew that there was no tree standing at that spot. So Elder Price reluctantly opens his eyes and immediately regrets it. His heart stops and his blood turns to ice. The General is standing outside the window, staring at him, wearing a hideous grin on his face and slowly tapping on the window. He wants to scream, but his throat is unable to produce any sound. He watches in horror, as the man slowly opens the window and starts to force his big frame through it. Where the hell was Arnold?! A loud thud. The man is now standing in the room with him. The General slowly and menacingly moves towards him. His grin gets bigger and bigger with every step, until it occupies his whole face. He reaches out and grabs his shoulders.

Kevin rips open his eyes. He is completely drenched in sweat. He wants to throw off the cover, but is still too afraid to move. His eyes slowly dart towards the window. It was shut. Of course it was. He lies still for a few more minutes, in too much shock to do anything. After a while he throws of the blanket and slowly sits up. He groans in resignation. He should have grown accustomed to those nightmares by now. After all he got them almost every night. This one hadn’t even been particularly bad. He didn’t even get harmed. But nonetheless Kevin was deeply disturbed. He had felt safe before, for once. Watching a movie, hanging out with Arnold. This room, this couch, the blanket, it had felt safe the first time he had woken up. But his mind couldn’t let him have that. He wants to claw out the parts of his brain that wouldn’t stop tormenting him.

His breathing is still erratic and flat. He was still scared. Where was Arnold? He needed someone. Right now. He gets up and walks towards the door to look for his friend. He hesitates. Could the General be standing behind it, only waiting for him to swing it open? It was impossible, but he couldn’t shake the cold feeling seizing his body. Kevin summons up all of his courage and pushes the door open, revealing not the General, only the kitchen and his two friends.

“Oh, Elder Price, you woke up?” Connor greets him with a warm smile. He must’ve noticed that he was distressed though, as he immediately asks: “Are you all right?”

“Me? Yeah, yeah I’m fine. Just a little bit drowsy…” Kevin smiles back.

Connor gives him a concerned look, that I-know you’re-lying-you-can-tell-me-the-truth-look. Elder Price decides to pay no attention to it. The two of them didn’t need to know every single embarrassing detail of what he was going through. But Connor just keeps on staring at him.

“I said I’m fine okay?!” He yells at him. Kevin is immediately startled by the uncontained anger in his voice.

 “Well, uhm… I’m sorry… I wasn’t trying to pry or anything…” McKinley answers, a little perplexed.

Arnold coughs awkwardly. “Uhm… something came in the mail for you today.”

“In the mail? We don’t get any mail over here.” Kevin replies, thankful that Arnold changed the topic.

“Well, it was more like… standing on the ground than being _in_ anything… But someone send you a really heavy package.”

Kevin now spots the big box on the kitchen table, which he had somehow managed to overlook due to Connor’s stupid questioning. He gets closer to it and sees that his father is the one who sent it. Their first phone call after what had happened to him had been two weeks ago. Seems like he had really managed to worry his dad. Kevin feels a little guilty about that, but still… this was extremely sweet. He looks up to the others again.

“Do you have any idea what could be inside?”

“I-I don’t know...” Kevin answers, a little flustered. He was pretty curios himself by now.

Connor eagerly hands him a pair of scissors. “Come on, we’re all waiting!” He grins.

Kevin smiles back and then quickly starts to cut through the package tape. He was actually pretty excited. His dad hadn’t mentioned this to him when they had been talking over the last few days. What could he have sent him? Hopefully it wasn’t something embarrassing…  

As he opens the box he can’t help but grin like an idiot. On the very top, blocking the view of the other items in it, lies a cuddly-looking patchwork blanket. It had definitely been made by his mother, who had started to do some sewing recently.

“Aww, that’s so cute!” Arnold giggles.

Kevin carefully lifts up the item to look at it in its entirety. Some of the seams were a little off and his mom definitely didn’t have an eye for picking out matching colors or patterns. But he didn’t mind one bit. He absolutely loved it.

But for now he folds it up and puts it aside to examine the other items. Most of them are different kinds of snacks and sweets which he couldn’t get in Uganda. They remind him of the US… of home. His family had even thought of including his very favorite cookies. Price hadn’t thought they even knew that he liked them. Unfortunately some of the sweets were melted. But maybe they’d still taste good? It wasn’t about the flavor anyway. What really made him happy was that his family was thinking about him.

Arnold sticks his hand in the box. “Oh wow, look at that!” He smiles gleefully. “They even sent you Twizzlers! I haven’t seen those in ages! Can I have some? Pleeease!”

Kevin grins. “Yeah, sure. You can have the whole thing.” Arnold was simply being too adorable to resist. He looks over to McKinley, who was also grinning, probably thinking the same thing.

“Thanks! You’re the best!” Arnold eagerly rips open the package.

Kevin directs his attention back to the box. There was a big envelope duct-taped to the inner wall. He carefully removes and opens it. What he finds inside makes tears well up in his eyes. Inside were ten to fifteen pictures of his family. All of them were group pictures where they went on some sort of holiday. One of them is from the time when he had been nine and they all had gone to Orlando together. He knew this picture. He had seen it dozens of times before. But right now it made his throat tighten and his eyes burn. There he was, front row, eyes wide open, grinning like a complete fool, missing some teeth, blue-dotted bowtie around his neck. He was even wearing one of those stupid Mikey Mouse hats to complete his sophisticated look. If only he could go back to that very moment.

He knew all of the photos, except for one. It had to have been taken very recently. It was a picture of his mother, dad and siblings in front of some tourist attraction that he didn’t recognize. It was the only picture that he wasn’t in. They all looked so happy.

“Kevin, what is it?” Connor asks in a cautious, yet clearly concerned voice.

“Huh, what?” He looks up again. “Oh, it’s nothing. Those photos are simply making me feel a little too nostalgic.” Elder McKinley didn’t seem to buy his excuse. Why did he even have to justify himself every time he felt any sort of emotion?

“Hey, look! They sent you a card.” Arnold grabs a cheesy-looking flower-themed envelope from amidst the photos and immediately rips it open. “You’ve got to read it.”

Kevin takes the card from Arnold’s hand, opens it and begins to read.

 

_Our Dear Son,_

_We think of you daily and miss you very dearly._

_And as much as we would wish for you to return to us, we deeply respect your decision to stay in Africa to help people who are less fortunate then you or us._

_All of us have to find a cause worth believing in and it seems that, at least for now, you have found yours._

_Hopefully, you don’t miss home too much._

_However, if you find yourself in times of hardship, always remember that Heavenly Father is watching over you and protecting you during every step you take._

_We hope these small gifts will serve to remind you of us and at the same time ease your home sickness._

_We love you,_

_Mom & Dad_

 

 

He can do nothing but laugh at the remark about Heavenly Father. Yes, God had really been watching over him when he had run into that camp. Great job on that one. But he knew they didn’t mean any harm by what they wrote. They probably truly believed those words would give him strength. Two months ago they would have. But not anymore. No, what gave him strength was the fact that his family was thinking about him, _loved_ him. He needed that. He could tell just from the way it was worded that his mother had had a big hand in writing that card, though he would like to think that the lines about home came from his dad.

They continue to unpack the remaining gifts. There were some books, some of them novels, some about Mormonism, and DVDs, most of them Disney, and even some hair gel, which was great, since he was unable to get any in Kitguli, which resulted in his hair being a big mess at all times. His parents had really put a lot of effort into all of it.

He looks up at his friends again with a big smile all over his face.

“Could one of you hand me the phone? I have to call my parents.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... let's talk about Connor's feelings for a change!

“You want me to write a diary? Why?” He looks at Mckinley with a confused expression on his face.

“It’s not a diary! It’s… think of it as a journal, okay?” Connor had started to blush, probably realizing that Price was right and that this was in fact a dumb idea. In his outstretched hand he is holding a notebook. Why the hell did he want him to write a diary? Or a journal… or _whatever_ this was supposed to be. It was stupid.

“You don’t really talk all that much about your feelings… about what happened to you. I just thought that this might help… you know… deal with your emotions and things like that.”

Kevin doesn’t know how to feel about what McKinley just said. _Of course_ he didn’t talk much about what happened! And he didn’t want to talk, or think, or write about it. It just made everything worse.

“And what is that supposed to accomplish, huh? Give me flashbacks?” He didn’t even really know why he was so opposed to the idea of writing a journal. But he knew that he didn’t want to think about his feelings. Couldn’t they just let him pretend that it never happened? He would be fine… right?

“Elder Price…” Connor sighs. “You need to deal with your emotions sooner or later. You can’t just bury them deep inside. That might work for a while… but one day, they’ll just come back and hit you when you least expect it.”

“Oh yeah? Aren’t you the one who told me to just “turn it off” the first day I arrived here?”

The other Elder now looks at him with desperate eyes. “Look… that doesn’t work, okay? I know that now! I try to push it down… but it just… _it_ comes back okay? It always does!”

Startled by the sudden outburst, Kevin doesn’t say anything. He just stares at Connor, who avoids his gaze. Are those… tears in his eyes?

“Elder McKinley… A-are you all right?”

Instead of answering, his friend just lets his body slump onto Kevin’s bed, puts his face into his hands and starts to sob. The notebook had simply fallen to the floor.

What the hell was this? Usually Kevin was the one crying… and now this! How was he supposed to react to that? How did the others always do that?

“I’m sorry… I’m so, so sorry!” Connor mutters.

“Hey, hey…” Kevin sits down next to him and puts his arm around his friend’s shoulders. He always liked it when Arnold or Connor did that. “It’s all right.”

“No, no, no. It’s really not.” The other man cries. “You don’t understand…” He pauses and breathes in. “I did try… I really did! But nothing’s working! I- I can’t change… I’m a sinner!”

“Connor…” Was he really going to ask this? “Is this… about the thoughts you were having? You know… the gay ones?” Oh god. He said it. He actually said it.

The sobbing stops. For a few moments, Connor doesn’t say anything at all, doesn’t even make a noise. “I can’t… push it down anymore. These feelings, thoughts… they’re everywhere. They won’t let me escape… ever… since…since…” He doesn’t finish.

Elder Price just stares at him in shock. He was gay. Connor was actually gay. Deep down Kevin had known. He had never thought it was possible to “turn it off”, or at least to turn _that_ off. He had always been taught that homosexuality was bad, like really _, really_ bad. And disgusting… and sinful. He didn’t believe in the church anymore though. So, why would he still believe in that? Seeing Connor like this… the friend who had cared for him so much… he realizes that he had been wrong. He had been wrong to judge. His whole church had been and still was. He didn’t want to make others feel miserable. Especially not Connor. He had probably been told the exact same things growing up as Kevin had. How had he even been holding up as well as he did after that? Elder Price tightens his hug and puts his other arm around his friend.

“Don’t worry about that, okay? It’s all right. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“It’s not just that…" Connor sniffs. “It’s been getting so much worse lately.” He hesitates. “It’s because of you. I think… I think I- I’m in love with you.”

Kevin immediately lets go of the other man and just stares at him in absolute shock. He sees regret starting to creep into Connors face. “Elder McKinley… I…I…” He is at a complete loss for words. Of course he had noticed that McKinley had been, well, _interested_ in him. It had started the day they first arrived after all, but he had never ever thought that it could go as far as actual _love_. Connor just looks down in shame. No, no, no, no! He didn’t want that. He shouldn’t feel bad after everything he had done for him!

“Elder McKin- uhh, Connor, I- I am sorry, but…” Oh gosh, how should he say this without hurting him? “I am not… like you, you know? You understand that, right?”

“Yes.” Connor croaks. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you. I didn’t mean to unsettle you…”

There he was again, still worrying about Kevin, instead of himself. “Oh Connor... You didn’t unsettle me. I’m just… surprised, that’s all. Please don’t feel bad about yourself…” The truth was that actually, he was unsettled by his friend’s confession… because of what had happened to him. He didn’t want anyone to have sexual thoughts about him… especially not someone this close to him. But he was pushing those feelings back right now, to not further hurt his poor friend. Unrequited love was something horrible… especially when that love is directed at someone of the same gender and you feel like a monster because of it.

“I’m sorry…” McKinley apologizes again. “This is probably the last thing you want to hear right now… after… you know… but, it’s just… all that time we spent together… it simply made everything worse.” Connor gets up from the bed, completely flustered, shame written all over his face. “I should go.” Quickly he turns around and leaves the room. Kevin gets up and tries to go after him, but as soon as he reaches the hallway, he can already hear Connor’s door slamming shut. He knocks, but there is no reaction. Connor obviously didn't want to talk to him right now. Kevin knows that felling. 

He turns around and gets back into his room. Shit. Shit, shit, _shit_! What was he supposed to do about this? He felt so bad for his friend. He slumps onto his bed and picks up the notebook from the floor. Mckinley was so thoughtful… always trying to help him. And he had just hurt him so, _so_ badly. The least he could do now, was to take his advice and write the dumb journal. Maybe it actually _would_ help.


	21. Chapter 21

Arnold nervously paces through the kitchen. “Are you really sure about this?”

“Well… no. Of course not.” Kevin bites his lower lip. “But we have to try again, right?” A little unsure of himself, yet determined, he puts down the cup from which he had been drinking and gets up from the table. This was going to happen. And it would happen _now_. He was sick of being in this house. The design on the wallpaper had transformed and now looked like ugly faces, grinning at him with toothless mouths. The walls themselves were starting to slowly creep in on him, restricting his movements. If he wouldn’t go out today, he would go crazy. He was sure of it. He would suffocate. He had been in here for so long, he wasn’t even sure the outside world still existed. Sure, he could see some of it through the windows, but the rest of it? How could he be sure it was still there?

Arnold looks at him with a concerned expression. “Are you sure you don’t want me to get Elder McKinley… I just… because of what happened the last time we did this… or _I_ did this, to put it more correctly…”

Kevin shakes his head. He and Connor hadn’t really spoken the last few days. Sure, they greeted each other and McKinley would sometimes ask how he was doing, but since their last real conversation things had been a little bit awkward between them. Elder Price just really hoped that it would wear off on its own. He didn’t need any more drama in his life right now. And he especially couldn’t afford to lose a friend. After all, he only had two of those here in Uganda. “No. The two of us are enough. I think Connor needs a little break right now. He’s always so tired and worrying about me…” The last part wasn’t even a lie. “Just… let _me_ be the one in control this time, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah sure. I promise I won’t do anything you don’t want! You can take as much time as you need! And if… if you want to turn around, that’s fine! Absolutely, totally fine!” Arnold’s face had gone a little red while saying this. He was probably still embarrassed about the last time they had done this.

“Okay, good. Thank you.” Kevin inhales sharply. He can already feel the dread creep through his body. “Let’s do this.”

Arnold keeps on looking at him with that worried expression. Gosh, if only he’d stop doing that! It only served to intensify his already huge doubts.

As they approach the door, he notices that his chest is tightening and a lump is starting to form in his throat. Why, just why? How could something he used to do every day make him feel this anxious? It is this moment, when he realizes how broken he was. He had tried to push away that thought, telling himself that he was fine, except for a few nervous ticks here and there and the nightmares. But that wasn’t true. Something inside of him had been shattered completely and the pieces had been blown away by wind, scattered in the Ugandan desert.

This was ridiculous, right? What could be threatening about the village that lay outside? And even though he knows that his fear was unfounded, that he was being completely irrational, his body didn’t seem to care. It still responded with fear and stress. He clenches his fists. This time he wouldn’t let his brain and body get the best of him.

“Should I open the door…?” Arnold cautiously asks. They had probably been standing in front of it for some moments.

“No, it’s fine.” Kevin croaks, fighting against the panic in his gut that was now trying to completely block his throat and words. “I have to do this myself.”

“Oh, okay… sorry… take your time.” Arnold nervously shuffles around.

Very slowly, with a shaking hand, Kevin reaches for the door handle. He grabs it. Pushes it down. And then opens the door. A new wave of panic races through his body, as the glaring sunlight hits his face. He reaches for his friend’s hand. He needed him. He inhales deeply, tasting the weird dryness of the outside air. As he moves forward, the fear keeps on getting worse. His vision is blurry. Was he going to have another one of those random panic attacks? The thought alone was almost enough to trigger a new one. He squeezes Arnold’s hand. He wasn’t alone in this. His friend was there with him. He takes a few more steps. He could see some houses and huts in the distance. Some birds were sitting on the leafless tree next to the mission center. There was nothing to be afraid of out here. And still, his heart wouldn’t stop beating at an incredibly fast pace. His skin wouldn’t stop sweating, as much as his body wouldn’t stop trembling.

Arnold encouragingly puts an arm around his back. “It’s all right buddy.” His voice is a little shaky.

“Yes, yes, I know. It’s just all… a lot.” Elder Price doesn’t know how to describe his feelings. He was scared, excited, overwhelmed… and so much more, all at the same time. He looks back to the house. It was only a few feet away. Suddenly that seemed like a lot. He wants turn around, go back to safety, make the panic go away. But somehow he knows, he just knows, that if he turns around now, he wouldn’t be able to do this again anytime soon. He would be defeated by his own body.

He keeps on moving forward. He had spent enough time shut inside. He feels Arnold’s arm resting on his back.

“You’re doing great.” His friend mutters.

“Thanks.” Those words didn’t do anything to diminish the storm of panic inside of him. Instead of running back to safety, he slowly sits down on the ground. Confused Elder Cunningham slumps down next to him.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m waiting for the fear to go away.”

“Uhm… okay… shouldn’t you go back if you are scared?”

“No. I have to face this.” Once more he grabs Arnold’s hand. “Just stay with me.”

They keep on sitting there for quite some time. Elder Price hears his own, erratic, flat breathing. His chest is still feeling tight. All of that open space was suffocating him. He squeezes Arnold’s hand.

“Tell me something.”

“Like what?”

“Anything at all.” He just wanted to give his mind something else to focus on, other than being scared.

Arnold thinks for a while. He opens his mouth then closes it again, then looks directly at Kevin. “When I was in elementary I used to be scared of going out too, you know? Well, not the way you are now, not nearly as bad, but every morning my mom had to drag me to school. She’d just grab my arm and drag me all the way. It wasn’t too far off, so it only took a few minutes. She’d take me all the way to the classroom, because otherwise I would have just turned around and left the building. All of the other kids would stare at me... Every morning. Sometimes I couldn’t sleep at night. I was already afraid of the next day.”

Kevin looks at him in surprise. “But why were you so scared?” School had always been great for him.

Arnold looks down at his lap. “What do you think? Little chubby kid with glasses and weird hair… I wasn’t exactly popular.” His friend falls silent for a few moments. “There were those other boys, they’d always tease me… hide my school bag… steal my food… Sometimes they even waited for me after school and then beat me up. I wasn’t exactly happy… or confident, growing up. In High School everything simply got worse…” Arnold lets out a small sob.

“Why are you telling me this right now?” Elder Price asks cautiously. “I mean… not that I don’t care or anything, but still…”

“I don’t know.” Arnold wipes away a few tears with the palm of his hand. “I just thought… it would help you to know you’re not the only one here, who has suffered. I mean… of course you have it way worse than me… Please don’t think I’m trying to compare to what he did to you, what you have to go through… I just… thought you should know this about me. We’re friends after all, right? ” He looks at Kevin, seemingly asking him to confirm that it was true, that they truly were friends.

“Yeah, of course we are friends.” He had already told him that before.

“Yeah, yeah, sure I know. It’s just…” He pauses again. “You’re the only real friend I have ever had.” Arnold looks at Kevin with teary eyes. “It’s pathetic, I know…”

Kevin feels his heart breaking. Arnold was such a wonderful person. It just wasn’t fair life had been so tough on him. Elder Price had always been the popular kid, loved by everyone, always told how incredible he was, when in fact, he had been rotten to the core. A selfish, egocentric bastard, who only ever had his own success and what others thought of him in mind. Kevin leans forward and takes Elder Cunningham into his arms. It just wasn’t fair.

“You’re not just any friend. You’re my _best_ friend.”

Arnold’s fingers claw into his shirt.

Kevin squeezes his friend tightly and then lets go of him again. Neither of them said anything. There was no need for words.

When they get up again Kevin feels a lot calmer than when they had first gone out. Sure, the anxiety was still there, his hands were still shaking lightly, his chest was still tight, but it was a step up from before.

“Let’s go back inside, shall we?” He smiles at Arnold, whose eyes were still a little puffy from crying.

Arnold smiles back. “Okay, best friend.”


	22. Chapter 22

Nervously Connor stares at the door to Kevin and Arnold’s room. He didn’t want to go in, but they couldn’t just _not_ talk about this. Their conversations had been awkward and stiff ever since he had confessed his feelings to Kevin. That needed to go away. He had been such an idiot. Why in the world had he felt the need to tell Kevin he loved him? Of course he wouldn’t reciprocate his feelings. Elder Price wasn’t gay… and he had been raped for Christ’s sake! How could he have been so tactless? Even after Kevin had told him that he was having nightmares about him... He had probably made them worse! What if his friend was scared of him now? He wouldn’t be able to live with that.

Connor takes a deep breath and knocks. He would make this right. His heart skips a beat when he hears someone pushing down the handle on the other side. The door opens.

“Hey, Elder McKinley.” Arnold smiles at him.

“Oh, hey!” He smiles back, a little perplexed. He had thought Kevin would be the one to greet him. “Uhm, is Elder Price there? I need to talk to him… _alone_.”

“Oh, okay…” Arnold frowns. “Yes he’s here. Where else would he be? You know that he doesn’t go out anymore. Well, not alone anyway…” He opens the door and steps to the side, motioning Connor to enter their room. “What do you want to talk to him about?”

“Oh, it’s nothing important, really.” He laughs nervously and steps into the room.

“Kevin- uh… Elder Price is in the bathroom right now. You can wait for him here. I wanted to leave anyway. I promised Nabulungi we would go and feed birds together.”

“Oh, okay, thanks. Have fun then! And say hello from me, will you?”

“Sure, will do!” Elder Cunningham grins in anticipation and then leaves.

Connor sighs in relieve. Luckily Arnold hadn’t decided to probe any further on why he wanted to talk to Kevin. But why would he have done that anyway? McKinley decides to sit down on one of the beds while waiting for Elder Price. He can hear water running. His friend was probably showering. Hopefully Connor wouldn’t startle him when entering his room. Elder McKinley notices that he’s still extremely tense. He looks around the place, searching for something to distract himself with somehow. Then he spots it. The notebook he had bought for Kevin. He knows he shouldn’t. But what if his friend had written down something about him? Or maybe it would help him understand Elder Price better, making it possible to help him more efficiently. Kevin probably hadn’t even written anything down yet at all anyway... No, no, no! This was private. This was Kevin’s. But Kevin wouldn’t know… and it was only to help him… right?

“Ah, to hell with it!” He whispers, as he grabs the notebook. For a moment he just stares at it, but then decides to flip open the first page.

 

 

_Pathetic, stupid                                                                              life has stopped_

_ruined                                              pain_

_         IRRATIONAL – stop behaving that way!!_

_How could I have done this?                           FEAR                                      Guilt._

_don’t hide from it                                       …_

_SHAME                                                  no man_

_nightmare                                                          Stupid_

_IDIOT                                              Stupid_

_hurt                                       It’s over!!!!!                                                   Stupid_

_ANGER                frustration_

 

 

This was not what he had expected. He had thought he would find a coherent text. Instead there were those completely confused bits of emotion. He doesn’t know what to think now, but it deeply worries him. He flips the page. Spread across the next two pages was only one sentence.

 

_Can I go back to myself again?_

 

 

Connor is about to cry. Kevin was still much more desperate and helpless then he let on. And he was right. Would they really be able to piece him back together? Connor had thought they were making progress… but obviously there still was a long way to go. He flips the page again.

 

 

_Stop hurting the others._

 

 

There are a few round spots on each page that had clearly been wet before and had now dried. Elder Price must have been crying while writing this. McKinley feels so guilty right now. He really shouldn’t be reading this. He was invading his friend’s most private thoughts. He closes the book and hastily puts it back on the nightstand. A shiver goes down his spine. That hadn’t looked too good. But what had he expected? Had he really thought Kevin would be fine by now? He still wouldn’t leave the house after all. Well, not more than the few feet he had walked with Arnold anyway. And those nightmares…

Connor clenches his fists. What that disgusting piece of shit had done to his friend… the person he loved… How could he dare! How could someone be so cruel? Did he even know what he had done? That he had ruined someone’s life? Their dreams and hopes? Did he even care? Or was this what he had wanted? McKinley could kill that bastard right now. What a waste of space and air he was! And the things he had done to the village! Connor had always believed in the good of mankind, that deep down, everyone had something of value. But this “man” was really challenging that believe. What could be redeemable about him? He was a rapist. And a murderer. He tortured people. He was oppressing their village. He wanted to mutilate women. If there was a devil, it would be him. The world would simply be better off without that monster. Connor hated him even more for making him think and feel that way.

“Oh, shi-! Uhm… What are you doing here?!” Kevin was staring at him, obviously quite startled. His hair was still wet from the shower.

“Oh, Elder Price! I, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!” Completely taken aback, McKinley awkwardly jumps up and bumps into the nightstand behind him, almost sending a lamp crashing to the floor. He feels his face flush. Kevin was still looking at him in bewilderment. He was only dressed in his underwear and a still-open shirt, which didn’t make things any easier. Connor hates himself for thinking about how handsome his friend was looking.

Luckily Price quickly grabs some pants and begins to put them on. “No, it’s fine. You didn’t scare me… well, not really. I just didn’t expect you to be in here.” He buttons up his shirt and tucks it into his pants. McKinley doesn’t say anything. “Is there… something you wanted? Or are you just here to watch me dress?”

McKinley’s face goes completely red. “WHAT? NO! I’d never-“

“Calm down. It was just a joke.”

“Oh… okay…” Connor relaxes a little and smiles nervously. “I… Actually, I wanted to talk about… our conversation… you know?”

“Oh.” Elder Price clears his throat. “We really should do that, huh?”

“Look, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable-“

“Oh please, you didn’t make me uncomfortable!”

“Yes, I did. We both know how we’ve been acting around each other lately.”

“Yeah…”

“And it was not okay what I did. I really should not have told you… after what happened to you. I knew you weren’t gay. I knew you wouldn’t reciprocate my feelings. It was wrong of me and I apologize for that. I will try to shut those feelings out again.”

Kevin sighs heavily, almost sounding annoyed. “Elder Mc-… Connor…? Is it okay if I call you Connor? It’s really weird to always call you Elder McKinley, as if we didn’t know each other.”

“Yeah of course that’s okay! I was feeling pretty weird about that, too.”

“Okay. Connor, we talked about this, remember? I’m not mad at you. I don’t feel scared because of it. I don’t want you to apologize and you can’t push those feelings away. I think it’s good that you told me. Now it’s out, I know it and it doesn’t do any harm to anyone. Look, I already kind of knew anyway. And you don’t have to be embarrassed, or take this personal. In fact, I should probably be the one to apologize.” Kevin pauses. “I mean… Arnold and you, you both helped me through so much and here I am… constantly hurting, worrying and rejecting you in some way. That’s hardly fair…”

“Kevin! You don’t owe us… or me anything! And least of all love.”

“Yes… I know… but still.”

They both fall silent for a few moments.

“If you want to repay me, simply… be my friend.” Sure, this wasn’t as good as love, but it was the only thing Elder Price had to offer to him. And it was the one thing Kevin needed most right now. Friendship.

Kevin smiles. “That, I can do.”

“Thank you.” Connor whispers.

“No, thank you. For everything.”

They hug. It was still a little awkward, but hey, things like this do take their time after all.

When Connor shuts the door behind his back, a big wave of relieve washes over him. That had gone a lot better than expected. He was so glad that Kevin wasn’t scared of him, or anything like that. Yes, it felt terrible to not be loved back, but Elder Price had been so kind and understanding. He wasn’t even put off by his homosexuality… He’d still be his friend… Maybe… it wasn’t _that_ bad to be gay…

The contents of the notebook were still worrying him though. Sure, on the outside Kevin was almost acting more normal again, but on the inside he was still hurting. And what about the things he hadn’t read? Maybe they were worse. He needed to get Elder Price through this, make him be himself again. And he would.

Right?


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... This update took quite some time, eh?  
> Reason why: I simply have a lot of stuff to do for university at the moment and I recently moved into a different part of town. So, yeah, that's kind of time consuming.  
> But even if chapters take a little longer at the moment, I. WILL. FINISH. THIS. STORY.  
> It's my baby and I could never leave it incomplete. (Plus I have something big and terrible planned for the near future >=) )

Kevin is digging his nails into the palms of his hands. Again. He was doing that a lot lately, at least going by the small wounds that had appeared on the insides of his hands. It’s the only way he can make himself appear calm, even though his heart is racing fast. Sweat has collected on his forehead. The reason could be the high temperature, but his fear was more likely the one to blame. Well, fear wasn’t really the right word. It was more of a constant state of dread. As if someone was watching him, judging every breath he took. He had been going out a lot more the last two weeks, thanks to Arnold and Connor always helping and supporting him, but _this_ … this was some next-level stuff.

“Don’t you want to eat?” Nabulungi was sitting across from him, smiling and pointing at the plate in front of him.

Kevin looks down at the piece of beef, which was accompanied by some vegetables, that he didn’t know. It must have been really expensive for Mafala to actually buy meat for five people. But of course he wanted to treat his guests properly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I was just… thinking.” He smiles back at her and picks up his cutlery again.

Just then Mafala enters their newly built living-room. It was the extension him, Arnold and Nabulungi had been building together. And now, to celebrate, Arnold, Connor and Kevin himself had been invited for a nice little get-together. Somehow the two others had managed to convince Elder Price that this was a good idea, “a new way to overcome his fears”, as McKinley had put it. Well, he wasn’t so sure it had been a good idea right now. Elder McKinley is sitting next to him, gleefully talking to Nabulungi and seemingly not noticing Kevin tensing up more and more as Mafala keeps approaching him. The only free space was on the sofa, he and Connor were sitting on. Arnold and Nabulungi were both seated on chairs across from them, of course next to each other.

The tall man lets his body fall on the couch, next to Kevin. Shit. What in the world had driven him to choose the spot in the middle?

“Sorry I took so long. I still had to get some things done in the kitchen.” He grins at his guests. “I hope you like the food. I got it from the market yesterday, just for you.”

“Oh yes, it’s absolutely lovely!” Connor says cheerfully.

Content Mafala leans back. “So, what do you boys think of our new room?”

As Connor and Mafala continue talking, Kevin has to concentrate completely on keeping his body from trembling. He hated himself for the way his body reacted to the man next to him. Sure he was nice to them, maybe even a friend, but he was also a large black man. That was the only thing his brain cared about. This is why he now is at the brink of his next big panic attack and at the same time desperately trying to not let his fear show, which in turn made him even more anxious.

Suddenly a strong arm is placed around his shoulders. Completely taken aback Kevin abruptly turns his head to his left. Mafala was still smiling at him.

“So, Elder Price! We haven’t seen you around for quite some time. Could be two to three months. Why’s that? My daughter and I were almost getting a little worried, even though our dear Arnold over there kept on telling us you were fine.”

Kevin already feels his heart beating faster. He had known this question would arise; still he wasn’t prepared to answer it in a believable way. Mafala and Nabulungi keep on looking at him questioningly.

“I… uhm…” His hands start shaking. Oh god. He couldn’t let anyone see.

“He was sick for quite some time. Caught a fever.” Connor quickly saves him.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’re feeling better now.”

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” Kevin nervously smiles at him, still trying to stop his body from shaking. He gets up abruptly. "Excuse me…"I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Yes, of course, sure. It’s right over there.” Mafala points towards a small door at the back of the house.

“Thank you.” Kevin chokes out and then quickly hurries to the small room. He hastily closes the door behind him and lets out a deep sigh. His heart is still racing and he suddenly feels his stomach twist. Elder Price falls on all fours, his face directly above the hole in the floor. He starts to retch. No. No. Goddammit! Kevin tries to stop himself, but his body gets the better of him. He throws up into the bucket placed inside the hole. This was what passed as a toilet here in Uganda. He gets up again, feeling even sicker than before. The walls of the already small room start closing in on him. He needed to get out. Quickly! His eyes fall on the only “window” this room had. Of course there was no glass or anything in it. It was just a small, vaguely rectangular hole in the loam-wall. It was small, yes, but big enough to squeeze his body through, he assumed. He hurries towards it. Yes, outside lay freedom, fresh air.  He would just leave this house and go back to the mission center.

Kevin grips the ledge and tries to pull himself up. It wasn’t working. Of course it wasn’t. He hadn’t eaten right in like what, two months? That came back to bite him in the ass now. He was way too weak to lift his own weight.

“Shit, shit, shit, SHIT!” Panicked he looks around the room for something to stand on. But there was nothing in here except for that sorry excuse of a toilet. Maybe he could get something from the other room without being noticed…

Wait. What in the world was he even doing? He had been invited to dinner at a friend’s house. Someone who had never harmed him in any way. And here he was, trying to crawl out of that person’s bathroom window, because he was scared to death of him? What. The. Fuck.

Reflexively he grips his hair with both his hands. “You are so goddamn stupid! What the fuck are you doing? You should be better by now! After all this time… Get it out of your head and calm down. Calm the fuck down.” He whispers to himself, tears forming in his eyes. Kevin breathes in deeply and lets go of his hair again. He tries to relax.

“You can do this! You can! It’s only Mafala and Nabulungi. You know them. Nothing will happen. It’s all right. You will not run. You will be normal again.” Saying that actually manages to somewhat calm him down. He would go back there and have a normal, uneventful dinner at a friend’s. Exactly like his family used to do in Salt Lake City. If only he _was_ in Salt Lake City. Instead he was in Uganda. Why on earth did the church even send missionaries here? Where they could catch all kinds of illnesses, get eaten by the wildlife, have someone get shot directly in front of them or, god forbid, be raped with their own religious text by _a freacking warlord_. The church had to truly not give a shit about any of them. Those were the people he had devoted his entire life to up to _that day_. And what had he gotten in return? A book up his ass. Kevin smiles grimly. It was kind of funny, wasn’t it? If he had read it in some newspaper before any of this had happened, he would probably have laughed. He wouldn’t now.

Kevin decides to put those thoughts away for now and get back to the others. He straightens his tie and tries to get his hair into some sort of order. He couldn’t look as if he had just suffered a complete melt down after all.

Elder Price slowly opens the door and gingerly walks back to the newly built living room, looking as calm and collected as he can manage.  When he sits down again he immediately spots the concerned look on Connors face, but chooses to ignore it.

“That took you quite some time. Naba and I were starting to wonder whether you fell down the hole.” Mafala laughs heartily and hits him on the back.

Kevin blushes a little bit, but decides to laugh at the joke, even if it was aimed at him.

Mafala turns his upper body to face Arnold and Nabulungi again. “Where was I…? Oh, yes. Arnold I just wanted to tell you, how happy I am my dear Naba found a boy like you! You are always so helpful and there for her. You’re exactly what I want for her.”

Elder Cunningham’s whole face lights up. “Really? Wow… thank you!”

Nabulungi smiles and puts her arm around her boyfriend’s shoulders. “He means that, you know? He can’t shut up about you.”

“Naba, you’re embarrassing me.” Her dad says in an exaggerated, whiney voice.

“Makes up for the thousand times you did the same to me, baba.” She laughs. Arnold joins her and then, quickly places a shy kiss on his girlfriend’s cheek. Nabulungi grins and takes both of Arnold’s hands into her own.

It was nice to see Arnold happy like that, being social, even having a girlfriend. But still, Kevin feels a little sting of envy, watching Arnold, Mafala and especially Nabulungi. It was ridiculous. Of course he wasn’t the only thing in Arnold’s life… Nonetheless it made him think of how replaceable he was. He tries to shake the thought for the moment. He was here to have fun for the first time in ages. And he actually felt somewhat calm at the moment, even while being in someone else’s house. Even with Mafala right next to him. He shouldn’t let that chance pass.


	24. Chapter 24

It had been three and a half months now since the day Arnold had found Elder Price, lying in some desert in the middle of nowhere and things were finally starting to be alright again. Kevin had been going out more frequently and had started socializing with the other missionaries and villagers regularly. He was almost behaving normal again. Sometimes you could catch his hand shaking or his body twitching, when being touched, but for the most part he seemed to be fine. He was smiling and even laughing more often now. You could be forgiven for forgetting _that day_ had ever happened. Of course it _had happened_ , but Elder Cunningham was hopeful, maybe even optimistic, that his friend would be able to leave it in the past. He had recovered so much already. Some nights Arnold would still wake up because his friend was talking and, very rarely, screaming in his sleep. However, those instances were getting less and less frequent.

Right now, him, Connor and yes, even Kevin, were at the market, buying food for the whole week, but also trying to find a coffee machine. Of course, the Mormon faith didn’t allow any hot drinks, least of all coffee, but they weren’t technically Mormon anymore, right? They could drink whatever they wanted and Kevin had requested that they get something to make coffee with. Some of the other Elders had quickly agreed, so here they were, out to buy something, they used to not even be allowed to own. For such a small village, Kitguli’s market was actually pretty damn huge and they had quite some trouble finding what they were looking for. They had already been here for thirty minutes and there was still no sign of anything even resembling a coffee machine. Arnold and Connor were the ones who had to carry the bags of food, since Kevin was still pretty weak and the weight was starting to make Elder Cunningham’s arms feel really strained. Elder McKinley seemed to be quite exhausted as well.

“Hey look over there! I think that woman’s selling used electronics and stuff! She might have a coffee machine!” Excitedly Elder Price points towards a market stall about twenty-five yards away from them. He immediately squeezes through the crowd and hurries towards the small booth.

“That idiot.” Connor mutters under his breath, obviously quite stressed out by the whole situation. They quickly follow Kevin through the crowd, trying their best to not shove and push too many people. Since they were both carrying bags they weren’t really successful and way slower than Kevin.

When Arnold and McKinley finally reach the stall, Elder Price is already holding something in his hands.

“Look what I found!” He announces gleefully, slightly raising the coffee machine for them to see. “It’s only 25,000 Shillings.”

“Mhm, that’s kind of expensive. I don’t know if we can afford that…” Connor frowns hesitantly.

“Doesn’t matter…” Kevin smirks. “I already bought it.”

“You what? Goddam-… I knew we shouldn’t have let _you_ carry the money.” Connor laughs, a little annoyed.

“Well, there’s no use dwelling in the past. The money’s gone.” Kevin answers, still contentedly smiling.

Connor sighs. “Fine, whatever. But I’ll blame you if we can only afford to eat rice and bread by the end of the month.”

“I can live with that.” He grins and puts the machine in the empty bag, he’s carrying. “Should we go now?”

“Yeah.” Connor checks his bags. “I think we got everything.”

“Okay, let’s go.” Kevin rushes ahead again.

Connor groans as he and Arnold set themselves into motion, trying to keep up with their friend. Sure, it was kind of annoying, but Elder Cunningham was just so happy to see Elder Price this energized. He had recovered so much. The day he had found him… Kevin had barely let Arnold touch him. Later, he had only been lying in bed. For weeks to come he had stayed inside the house, plagued by anxiety and constant nightmares. He hadn’t even been able to go out for Christ’s sake! Arnold didn’t like to think of that time he had tried to force his friend out of the house. How he immediately suffered a panic attack, just from being a few feet away from the door. And now, here he was, excitedly rushing through a crowd of people, happily clutching the item he had just bought. Elder Cunningham feels like he finally got his friend back.

They emerge from the thick crowds of the market and into open space. Arnold breathes in deeply, enjoying the fresh air that had been lacking before. He looks at Kevin, who is checking his bag, apparently making sure the coffee machine had not been switched for a bunch of stones. His friend looks back up and smiles at him.

“I didn’t think we’d actually find one of these.”

“I thought so too.” Arnold answers, a little out of breath from all the walking. He bends down, puts his hands on his knees and takes a few deep breaths. On the ground some sort of insect, he had ever seen before, is crawling along. It was kind of fascinating.

But as he looks up again, his blood runs cold and his mouth falls open in shock. No. This couldn’t be. Not now. Not when they were here.

“K-Kevin…” He stammers, unable to word a complete warning. His friend turns around to face the same direction as Elder Cunningham and Arnold sees how his body immediately stiffens. Desperate he looks at McKinley, who seemed to be frozen in place, eyes ripped wide open.

There it was. There was no doubt about it. It was _that_ jeep. The one belonging to the general. The one which’s appearance was always followed by death and/or misery. And it was coming closer at a rapidly increasing pace.

“RUN!” Connor yells, taking off in the opposite direction. Arnold quickly follows him. Damn, that guy could sprint fast!

All around him, people are running, screaming, just trying to get away as quickly as possible. Arnold feels a rough impact on his shoulder. He falls to his knees, barely catching himself with his hands. He watches the woman, who had hit him, simply running past, not even looking back.

As Elder Cunningham slowly gets back up, he notices something: Elder Price was not fleeing with them. He was still standing in the same spot as before, only a few feet away from Arnold. Shit! Why wasn’t he running?! He was just standing there, doing nothing.

Elder Cunningham stumbles back to his friend, trying to avoid being run over again.

“KEVIN!” He grabs his arm. “Come on! We’ve got to get away from here!”

His friend doesn’t react to him. But the look on his face… Arnold had never seen someone look this terrified.

“Come on! RUN!” He pulls his arm. “What are you doing?! Why aren’t you moving?!” He tries his damnedest to drag Kevin away, but there’s no use. Arnold was too weak.

Completely panicked he looks around himself. The jeep was only a few yards away and starting to slow down.

“CONNOR!” he screams, voice filled with desperation. Where the hell was he? He needed his help! 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter yet and may I say, shit's going down.
> 
> WARNINGS:  
> Some depictions of violence, but nothing extremely graphic.

Kevin’s ears are ringing. He barely hears anything. He feels someone pulling at his arm. But he is unable to move. Every part of his body, every muscle, every fiber is paralyzed with fear, frozen in time. All around him people are screaming, but he is unable to understand any words at all. One of the voices is screaming at him, still pulling his arm. He wants to react, to do _something_ , but he can’t. In his entire life, he had never been _this_ scared. The car stops a few feet away from him. A loud thud is heard as the feet of the man, he feared more than anything else on this earth, hit the ground. Everything is blurry. He can’t think anymore. Two guards leave the car. Were they the same ones who…? He really couldn’t tell.

“Nobody move!” One of them shouts, then firing his gun into the air. A big circle has formed around the three men. The tugging at his arm stops. The guard keeps on talking, but Elder Price is again unable to make out the words. Then the General starts to speak. Hearing his voice again is enough to make Kevin remember every detail of _that day_ again. He is lying on that table again. There is that smell of sweat… and blood.

The General is still walking around in the big circle, coming closer to Kevin step-by-step. He’s talking and shouting. Something about female circumcision. He was angry. Of course. The whole village had decided to defy his orders after all.  Elder Price couldn’t blame them. But now, they’d probably all have to die because of it.

The man is now dangerously close to him. Kevin is barely breathing anymore. This couldn’t be happening. He wasn’t _this close_ to the monster who had…

Then it happens and Kevin’s heart stops. The General had turned his head and now their eyes were locked together. Kevin wants to look away, avert his gaze to the ground, but he simply is unable to. He cannot move a muscle. So he just stands there, eyes ripped wide open in fear, waiting for the inevitable doom to break upon him. He feels his own pulse in his veins. If the general won’t kill him, he’d probably die from a heart attack.

He sees the man squinting, thinking about something. During that moment, time is standing still. Nothing exists, except for those dark, menacing eyes, staring at him, looking him up and down. Would he recognize him? It had been months right?

Then the General starts walking towards him. No, no, no, NO! He couldn’t! Kevin’s mind is on fire, screaming. He couldn’t think of anything at all. Every fiber of his body was filled with fear. The big man stops directly in front of him. It is enough to make bile rise up from Kevin’s stomach. He doesn’t dare to move. The man is still staring at him with the same hostile expression from before. Then he grins.

“I know you.”

Those words send a shiver down Kevin’s spine and if he was less scared, he’d start crying.

The warlord moves one step closer. The expression on his face is malicious amusement. He grabs Kevin’s jaw. Oh god. He was actually being touched by _that damn man_ again. The ringing in his ears grows louder and louder.

“You look like shit. Lost some weight since we last met… makes you look even more pathetic. But I I guess I know why you did.”

Kevin doesn’t answer. He tries not to look at the man’s face, but he is tightly holding on to Price’s jaw and leaning in towards him. Kevin can actually feel his breath on his face. Tears are collecting in his eyes. Shit!

The general laughs. “Oh come on babe, don’t cry. It makes your face look ugly.”

Elder Price’s whole body is trembling by now. His mind wasn’t working anymore. All he felt was hot, stinging panic.

“Hey, don’t you want to talk to me?!” The general asks with fake anger in his voice, still very obviously amused by the whole situation. “It’s really rude of you to act like you don’t know me, after the wonderful time we’ve shared with each other.”

Kevin still doesn’t make a sound. Even if he wanted, he wouldn’t be able to.

The General lets go of his face again, discontented. “Maybe I should tell everyone here what happened? How I made you scream? Would you like me to do that? I bet you never told anyone.”

Kevin feels the stares of the crowd on his body. No. No one of them could know! He would never be able to live with the shame!

The warlord grabs Kevin’s tie and pulls him closer, then silently whispering into his left ear. “Do you still think of me every night? Am I in your dreams? Are they nightmares? Or did you secretly enjoy it? Maybe you even missed me. We could do it again if you want.” The bigger man let’s go of his tie and grins at him again, awaiting some sort of reaction. But Elder Price just keeps on staring at his face, body shaking, too horrified to move or speak.

The General frowns, now clearly getting angry with him. “Answer me, dammit!”

Suddenly pain explodes in Kevin’s face and he falls to his knees, blood from his nose dripping onto the ground. He doesn’t dare to look up at the man who had just hit him.

“Come on bitch, talk to me!” The warlord yells at him, his leg lunging out to kick Price. Kevin closes his eyes and braces for the impact, but it never comes.

“GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU PSYCHO!” He hears a certain squeaky voice yell. He looks up again and sees Arnold standing between him and the General. He must have actually pushed the man back to protect Kevin from the attack. Was he goddamn crazy? This was way too dangerous!

“Arnold, don’t-” Elder Price’s words are cut off by a gunshot. A few drops of blood fly through the dry air. His best friend screams in pain and falls to the ground.

Then there’s another gunshot. This time it came from the crowd. Someone had actually dared to shoot at the general?! There are more shots. From both sides. Panicked Elder Price lets himself fall flat on the soil, putting his hands above his head. He looks around. Most people are running, some of them falling down. A few stay behind. They have guns. Loud screams and shots fill the air with noise. One of the guards had already fallen, bleeding profusely from a wound in his chest. Kevin’s vision starts to blur. This was too much. Too much of everything. He wants to reach out to Arnold, check if he is still alive, but just like before he simply cannot move. He was too scared! Shit. What the fuck should he do now?! Suddenly he feels a warm hand on his right arm. He turns his head. Connor! He must have crawled towards him from some other part of the crowd.

“Kevin, are you all right?!” His friend yells, trying to be louder than the fight, surrounding them.

“GET TO ARNOLD!” Kevin screams back. It was all he could think of at the moment.

Connor moves a few feet and grabs Elder Cunningham’s hand. Kevin sees Arnold move in response. THANK GOD!

Then, all at once, the noise dies down. It was over. He looks up. There were wounded or dead people scattered around, with only three people still standing. The General and his guards however weren’t part of them. No. They were lying in the middle of it all, two of them dead. But Kevin can see that the General is still breathing.

Elder Price slowly gets up. His legs are shaky, but he is able to stand. He looks down at Arnold and Connor. Arnold is bleeding from a wound in his shoulder, face twisted in pain. Connor is desperately trying to stop the bleeding by pressing both hands onto the wound. It seemed to work. Kevin thinks that he should be worried about his best friend right now, but he isn’t. There’s only one thing on his mind.

“Stay with Arnold.” He says to McKinley, surprised by the coldness in his own voice. He then starts to walk towards the half-dead body of the General, only a few feet away from him.

“Kevin, what are you doing?!” He hears Elder McKinley yell worriedly.

“I’ll be fine. You just take care of Arnold. Keep pressure on that wound.”

He takes a few more steps and is now standing directly above the man who had ruined his life and mind. He stares down at the body below him. There are five gunshot wounds: Two in the left shoulder, one in the chest, stomach and upper thigh each. The General is breathing heavily, trying to conceal his anguish.

“You look pathetic.” Elder Price says with a cold, dead voice.

The man below him thinks for a few moments and then grins. “Not as pathetic as- ah- you when I shoved my -AHH!”

“SHUT UP!” Price brutally kicks the man in the stomach, hands balled into fists. He feels an immense rage rising inside of him. He had never felt any emotion so raw, so intense. “You fucking piece of shit!” He kicks him again, relishing in the pained moan this earns him. He does it again. With full force this time. He didn’t know he was still this strong. Again. And again. He makes sure to hit the gun wound every time. Anger is everywhere around him, taking over all of his senses. All he sees is red. All he hears are his own angry cries when he strikes. The only feeling on his skin is a soft prickling, he got from the power. On his tongue, the taste of bile and blood, in his nose the smell of sweat and dried earth. Elder Price keeps on furiously kicking him until the general finally gives in and lets out the first loud, agonized scream. Yes. Perfect.

Price lets himself fall unto his knees, using all of his weight to deliver a heavy blow to the man’s face. His knuckles split open as his fist connects with the cracking bones in the general’s cheek. He repeats the punch, somehow with even more force. It felt good. It felt so God. Damn. Good. He was the one in control. He was the one with all of the power, that monster completely helpless, at his mercy. The rage gives him strength. He’s breathing heavily, tears staining his face. Why was he crying?

“Why?” He cries out, voice filled with misery and desperation. “Why did you do that to me?”

The general laughs, coughing up sizable amounts of blood. “Because I fucking can, you pathetic cunt!”

Price angrily clenches his jaw. Then he slowly lifts his arm. He doesn’t have control over it. His body just moves on his own. He forcefully pushes his thumb into one of the gun wounds in the general’s shoulder. The man below him screams in agony. Thick dark blood is slowly oozing out of it, covering all of his right hand. Elder Price pushes deeper. “That’s for destroying my life you fucking bastard!” He can feel the split bone below his thumb. “You fucking deserve this, you hear me?! You’re a monster! _No one_ will miss you when you’re dead!” He keeps on pushing and the General keeps on screaming. He bores his thumb deeper and deeper into the bleeding, hot flesh. The agonized screams grow louder. Pure aguish. “COME ON! Beg me to stop!” Price yells at the helpless man.

All of the sudden Kevin doesn’t feel powerful anymore at all. He feels vulnerable and weak. He let’s go of the man’s shoulder. The general coughs up more blood for a few minutes, not saying anything anymore. Kevin just silently watches him, tears running down his face. He’s feeling all emotions known to the human language at once, unable to put a word to a single one of them. His mind is completely blank. He watches as the general’s breaths become weaker and weaker and then simply stop. He is dead. A void opens up in Kevin’s heart. He should be feeling satisfaction… or relief, but right now, he doesn’t feel anything at all. He had expected something to change. But nothing did. _That day_ still had happened and he still felt weak and scared.

After a long while he gets up again. Some people were standing around him and the General, staring at him in shock. One of them is Connor.

“Kevin… What… why?” He stammers.

Elder Price doesn’t answer. “Where’s Arnold?”

“They- They took him to the doctor… Mafala and Nabulungi I mean…” McKinley is still staring at him with a mix of shock, pity and fear in his eyes.

Kevin looks down at his hands. They were covered in blood.


	26. Chapter 26

Nervously Kevin stares at Arnold, who was lying in one of the few beds, this hospital had to offer. Of course Elder Cunningham had gotten the best treatment available. He was a prophet after all. Arnold had been unconscious for quite some time now. Whether it was from losing too much blood, or if he had been given some sort of medication, Price didn’t know, since no one working here seemed to have found the time to tell him. He couldn’t blame them. It was a busy day for the hospital, with an actual shoot-out having taken place just about three hours ago.

So Kevin just sits there, silently observing Arnold’s unconscious body. Connor had returned to the mission center already, to tell the others what had happened and check up on them. There really was no room for anybody else in this tiny hospital anymore anyway.

Elder Price’s eyes fall unto the wound in his best friend’s shoulder. It had been bandaged, but some blood was already soaking through. This was because of him. Arnold had actually risked his life to protect him from the General. Kevin couldn’t be more thankful. If his friend hadn’t stepped in… He doesn’t want to think about what could have happened. Maybe the gunfight would have never broken out. It had only happened, because Arnold had been shot after all.

Kevin keeps on staring at the slowly rising, then falling chest of his best friend. He looked peaceful. His own heart however, was still beating fast, his mind still occupied with what happened about two hours ago. He still couldn’t grasp the reality of what had happened. The fact that the man, he had hated more than anything else on the planet, was dead… it just didn’t seem real to him at all.

Quite some time passes, but then, very slowly, Arnold finally opens his eyes.

“What… Where… Am I dead?”

Kevin quickly grabs his hand. A great sense of relief washes over him. His friend would be fine. He smiles. “No Arnold, you’re not dead. You’re at the hospital.”

“Kevin… You’re… alive!” Arnold announces gleefully.

Elder Price can’t help but laugh at that observation. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

Arnold tries to lift his upper body to hug him, but instead just lets out a surprised yelp and grasps his own shoulder.

“Are you all right?” Elder Price asks worriedly, tightening the grip on his friend’s hand.

“Yeah, yeah…” Arnold smiles tiredly. “It’s just kinda painful to have a hole in my shoulder.”

They’re both silent for a short moment.

“Thank you.” Kevin looks directly into Arnold’s eyes. “For being there for me, defending me against that man. I don’t know what would have happened without you.”

Arnold blushes slightly and averts his gaze. “Oh, come on… It was nothing really. What kind of friend would I be-“

“No Arnold.” Kevin cuts him off. “It’s not nothing. You risked your life. You got shot because of me. That’s… something absolutely incredibly brave. Not many people would do that for someone else, not even for their most loved ones.”

Shyly Arnold looks down at his hands and smiles. “I guess I did do something right for once. And I’d do it again. I couldn’t let that man… hurt you again, doesn’t matter in what way.” He pauses, thinking. “Kevin… what happened to them? The General and his guards I mean. I only remember hearing gunshots and Elder McKinley grabbing my hand. I must have passed out after that.”

Kevin frowns. “They’re dead. All three of them. Some other people died in the fight as well… It was horrifying. Mafala and Nabulungi took you here when they fled. In fact they were in this room up until about thirty minutes ago when I took over to watch over you.”

“Naba and Mafala took me here…? What about you and Connor? Weren’t you the ones with me?!”

Elder Price sighs, not wanting to talk about what was inevitable. “Arnold… I did something… terrible.” Kevin pauses and looks down in shame, avoiding Elder Cunningham’s worried eyes. “I wasn’t with you after you got shot.”

“But then… where were you? Oh my god, did something happen to you?”

“No…”

“Kevin?” Arnold looks at him with an extremely confused expression on his face, obviously waiting for an answer.

Price would have to tell him. If he didn’t, Connor would. There was no way around it. “Instead of staying with you… caring for my best friend, who had just been shot whilst saving me… I… I” His heart is beating faster now. “I went back to the general. He was still alive.”

Elder Cunningham looks at him in shock. “Why would you do that?”

“And then… I started kicking him… then hitting him... He was completely helpless, at my mercy. And after I was done with that… I forced my thumb deep down into one of his wounds. I made him suffer before he died.”

For a few moments Arnold doesn’t answer anything. His face is blank, completely unreadable. Then he speaks up again, his expression dark.

“So what? He deserved it. And if someone had the right to hurt him, it was you. After what he did to you… You deserved to get some revenge.”

“No, Arnold! You don’t understand! I- I practically tortured him! And… I enjoyed it! I enjoyed his screams. It made me feel powerful… and strong... and in control. That’s… wrong! That’s just plain wrong!”

“For God’s sake, Kevin! He – He hurt you… badly… so, so badly. You were angry. You deserved to be. What you did… it’s not nearly as bad as what he did to you.”

“Don’t you understand?” Kevin feels tears falling down his face. “It doesn’t matter whether it was justified… It doesn't matter at all! I never thought I’d be capable of something like that. To torture someone… To enjoy inflicting such pain… It’s just wrong! Human beings are not supposed to do that to one another! And I wouldn’t have been capable of doing something like that before I came here! I would never have been able to enjoy something so horrible, so twisted! But now… I can! And I did! Now I am the kind of person who leaves their best friend behind to do something like _that_ … and enjoys it!

Do you know what that means? That means I’ve changed… That I’ve been changed by him! I’m not who I used to be anymore! Old Kevin would _never_ have… The General might be dead, but he won! He made me be like this!” Kevin lets his face fall into his hands and cries. He hadn’t realized this was how he felt, until the words had left his mouth. But it was true. It was so true. He wasn’t himself anymore at all. His mind simply didn’t belong to him.

He suddenly feels two arms around him. Arnold had actually lifted his upper body and was now hugging him tightly, despite his wound.

“I am sorry Kevin.” He sobs. “I – I don’t know what to say… You know that I’m not so good with words.” The hug tightens even more. “But I don’t want you to think that way!”

Kevin embraces his friend. “But it’s true.” He whispers silently. “I’ve changed. I’m broken.”

“No! You’re not. You’re still you. And just look at how much you have recovered already. That took so much strength. But you did it. Arnold lets go of Elder Price again, looks directly into his eyes and adds: “Yes, what happened to you did happen and it does leave an impact. And yes, maybe you’ve changed. But it still does not define you. You are so much more than that. And I know it sounds cheesy, but I really do mean it.”

“You’re not just saying that to make me stop crying?”

“No absolutely not.”

“Thank you.” Kevin whispers and wipes away a few tears. “To think that you just said you weren’t good with words.”

“Well…” Arnold grins. “I did found a new religion after all. So I must be doing something right in the talking-department.”


	27. Chapter 27

Kevin carefully observes his own reflection in his and Arnold’s tiny bathroom. It had changed. He looked tired. He couldn’t really put his finger on what exactly was making him look different, but somehow his whole face had changed, even though his physical features were still the same. Maybe it was the eyes?

There had been a big festival today, celebrating the death of the general. Elder Price was so glad that man was dead and he didn’t even feel bad about it. Quite the Mormon he was, relishing in the death of another person. He still regretted what he had done though. But he doesn’t know if he’d change it. The _new_ Kevin could actually take enjoyment from hurting someone. It scared him. He breathes in deeply and sighs. Someone knocks on the door.

“Kevin? Are you still in there? I don’t want to be rude but… you know… I really have to use the toilet!” Arnold whines in a tortured voice.

Elder Price quietly chuckles, lets go of the sink and opens the door. “I’m sorry for staying in there so long.”

“Oh, no problem.” Arnold mumbles as he hastily passes him.

Kevin quickly stops him by grabbing his friend’s arm. “I’ll just go for a quick walk, okay? Just telling you, so you won’t get worried.”

Arnold frowns. “You sure, you won’t… err… get lost or something?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Okay… well, see ya then.”

“Yeah.” Kevin replies in a quiet voice, as his roommate closes the door to their shared bathroom. As Price leaves, he can’t help but smile. He loved Arnold. When he’d first arrived he’d never believed to one day think something like that. He had only seen Cunningham as a nuisance, something that could potentially stand in his way to becoming the greatest person to ever grace the earth. Elder Price was strong-willed, ambitious, attractive, popular and an absolute ace at everything he touched. And Elder Cunningham was weird, uncomfortable, not properly socialized, ugly, uninteresting and lazy. That’s what he had thought after their flight to Uganda. How vile of him… to judge a person so harshly, based only on shallow differences. And then it had been Arnold who had pulled him back from the edge of the abyss. He truly was the best and kindest person, Kevin had ever gotten to know.

When Kevin opens the main door to their mission center, he is greeted by the wide, open space of the African wilderness. He walks for a few minutes, dry earth crackling below his feet. Once the village lies behind him, when there is nothing left but open space, he lifts his head and breathes in deeply. The same open space that had tightened his throat, made him feel trapped in his own body, now somehow seems extremely liberating. No one else, _nothing_ else was here, except for a few bushes and bare trees. Kevin had only recently realized he sometimes liked quietness. He used to always be surrounded by buzz, people admiring him, always making him be more concerned with his external image than his actual feelings, his actual identity. He had always only existed as a reflection of what others saw in him.

Kevin sits down on the sand and watches the dawn. It wasn’t really movie-like. The sun was almost gone already. But he still likes it. It’s relaxing. It slows down his usually unusually fast-beating heart. Calm moments like this had become a rarity in his life in the last few months. Elder Price was always on edge, always ready to start running. But there is something about the almost cool air and the slowly darkening sky that makes him feel good again… and even a little bit at home.

Home. He had decided he would go back to America later this year. Only as a vacation of course. He wasn’t finished here yet. And he had changed so much since he left, he wasn’t even sure he’d still fit in. Probably not. Believing in god was kind of a big deal over there after all. But he missed his family so much. Kevin just wanted to see their faces again and be able to hug them.

Elder Price watches as the sun disappears completely and the darkness settles in. After a long while of waiting and thinking about absolutely nothing, he gets up again to go back to the mission center. Arnold was probably worried sick already. He always was.

He watches his own feet as he slowly walks back. He greets Arnold with a short hug and gets ready for bed. Kevin was tired, tired of everything.

As he closes his eyes, he feels his heart beginning to pound for no reason. He would probably never be rid of that. This was just something his body did now, getting nervous, making his hands shake and sweat. Kevin knows that something inside of him had been shattered and that it would always stay that way. Because even if he could take every single piece and placed them back together perfectly, the cracks of where he had been broken would still be visible. He could never be the exact same again, never be completely healed. Getting anxious at random moments was just one of those cracks. He sighs and rolls unto his side.

“Everything all right?” Arnold asks in a quiet whisper.

“I’m just nervous.”

“Why? Are you scared of something?”

“No. It’s nothing. This just happens for no reason sometimes.”

“Is there something I can do?”

Kevin thinks for a short time. “The usual. Just talk to me. About anything at all.”

“Uhmm… I don’t know what I should say...”

“Tell me about something you like.”

“I’m pretty sure I told you the plot to Star Wars at least three times already.”

“Then make up your own story. I know you’re good at that.”

Arnold smiles. “Can I tie in Star Trek and Lord of the Rings?”

“Sure… that’s what makes your stories so… uh, unique.”

“Hey, that almost sounded like an insult!” Arnold grins and then starts talking in a low, calm voice.

“It was a dark and cloudy day in middle earth, when a lonely dwarf witnessed a stream of bright light shooting from the sky. He looked away to not be blinded, but when he turned his head, he saw a tall figure in a very futuristic, way to tight shirt, standing in front of him: Captain James Tiberius Kirk! The dwarf slowly approached the confused-looking man and with a quivering voice he asked: ‚Wh- Who are you?‘ But before the man could answer, another beam of light, red this time, shot through the air. A scary-looking man, clad all in black, appeared before their eyes. His name was Darth Vader! Then suddenly a silver DeLorean was approaching them! ...”

Kevin squeezes his eyes shut, breathes in deeply and listens to Arnold’s voice, trying to not focus on his own heartbeat. His friend’s story is a little ridiculous, but listening to him talking always helped him with falling asleep. It was good to know that he wasn’t alone and to be distracted from his own, darker thoughts. Kevin feels his body relax.

Maybe tonight, he wouldn’t have nightmares.

 

_-End-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is it! Finally! 
> 
> Thank you so, so much for reading my whole story! (I know it's long and depressing. :P) It really means a lot to me. And PLEASE take the time to tell me what you thought about it in the comments! I always enjoy hearing from you guys.
> 
> If you want to talk to me, know what I’m up to, or stalk me, you can find me at:
> 
> elder-gavin-price.tumblr.com :)
> 
> \---------------------------------
> 
> EDIT: Wow, 3000 Views? How did that happen?


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